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Entries in Sports (13)


January 15th, 2012

I'm going to keep this short and sweet because I'm still ultimately depressed over the Green Bay Packers loss last weekend:

  • Five individuals who love the Packers and gluttony congregate.
  • They make a giant meat football.
  • Until around halftime of the Packers/Giants game, they were having a decent time.
  • They ate a feast of epic proportions at halftime.
  • The events of the second half transpired.
  • They disband angrily.

The sexiest pile of food you'll ever see.

Mmmmm, high cholesterol.

Pat Lee and Jarrett Bush, you two individuals are the only people who have ever spoiled my appetite.


So, I had a dream last night...


YOU WILL LOVE THIS ARTICLE IF: You cried openly after the Green Bay Packers won Superbowl XLV.

YOU WILL HATE THIS ARTICLE IF: Seeing emotional, obnoxious "adults" screaming loudly about grown men playing with a pig's bladder made you worry about the current state of humanity.

It's been a few weeks since the Green Bay Packers' thrilling victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers. However, football season is now unfortunately over (perhaps for a long time when you consider a possible lockout) and I'm eagerly awaiting the 2011 NFL Draft. Long story short: Football is on my mind. It only makes sense that something that I'm so passionate about now has entered my subconscious, and I'm now going to discuss the best idea I've ever had.

Going to a Chicago Cubs vs. Chicago White Sox baseball game, wearing Packer jerseys and cheeseheads, and totally alienating the people around us.

What I'm proposing is simple:

  1. Get a group of people together that share my Packer fanaticism
  2. Purchase tickets to a Cubs/White Sox baseball game
  3. Drive down to Chicago wearing Packer gear
  4. Tailgate outside the stadium for hours, heckling Chicago-area fans. Do Lambeau Leaps into the back of our vehicles.
  5. Lil Wayne's "Green and Yellow" playing. Constantly.
  6. Enter stadium, after enjoying some adult beverages
  7. Basic plan for the 9 innings of baseball (~3.5 hours):
    • "Go Pack Go" chants...often, and loudly.
    • Hold signs that say: "Welcome to Lambeau Field South."
    • Make a lot of "Da Bears" jokes. A LOT of them.
    • Ask the people around us who their favorite Packers are.
    • Give out some cheeseheads and trading cards to little kids in hopes of angering their depressed parents who have been Cubs fans all their lives, and likely will never witness a championship. Ever.
    • Advertise the many attractions of Wisconsin; state parks, resorts, haunted houses, etc.
    • When the game is over, raise our replica Super Bowl trophies, and in unision exclaim, "The Vince Lombardi trophy is coming home!"
  8. Post-game festivities:
    • If the game took place at Wrigley Field, spend the night, explore Michigan Avenue, dine at the restaurants, and have an overall great night.
    • If the game took place at U.S. Celluar Field, leave, and as QUICKLY as possible. Let's be honest here, we are in South Chicago, and statistically speaking, the odds of us getting shot are quite high...especially after angering so many people.

That's essentially it. The fans of the Chicago Cubs and Chicago White Sox vehemently hate eachother. However, I feel that they could somehow put their differences aside and direct their anger at us instead. I honestly believe that we have been too respectful of the Bears fans since they lost to the Packers a few weeks ago, and letting them off the hook simply isn't right. If interested, get ahold of me, and we'll start planning the weekend trip of our lives.

In spite of Ed Gein being born here, I'm still really proud to be a Wisconsinite.

You have no idea how immensely I want to wear my Ray Nitschke jersey in Chicago.


Space Jam: The most underrated film of our generation

According to IMDB, here is the basic synopsis of Space Jam:

"Swackhammer, owner of the amusement park planet Moron Mountain is desperate to get new attractions and he decides that the Looney Tune characters would be perfect. He sends his diminutive underlings to get them to him, whether Bugs Bunny & Co. want to go or not. Well armed for their size, Bugs Bunny is forced to trick them into agreeing to a competition to determine their freedom. Taking advantage of their puny and stubby legged foes, the gang selects basketball for the surest chance of winning. However, the Nerdlucks turn the tables and steal the talents of leading professional basketball stars to become massive basketball bruisers known as the Monstars. In desperation, Bugs Bunny calls on the aid of Michael Jordan, to help them have a chance at winning their freedom."

Cast: A short list of the important human characters.

Looney Tunes: We all are familiar with them, so I'm not going to spend too much time explaining who they are, but suffice it to say, seeing Bugs Bunny attempting to get laid is pretty comical.

Monstars: They kidnap Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes, and perform some sort of genetic mutation to learn the game of basketball from a group of washed up, aging players in hopes of gaining revenue for an intergalactic theme park.

Soundtrack: Until last year, this was the ONLY soundtrack I ever purchased in my life, and it was also on cassette.

  1. "Fly Like an Eagle" performed by Seal – 4:14
  2. "The Winner" performed by Coolio – 4:03
  3. "Space Jam" performed by Quad City DJ's — 5:07
  4. "I Believe I Can Fly" performed by R. Kelly – 5:22
  5. "Hit 'Em High (The Monstars' Anthem)" performed by B-Real of Cypress HillCoolioMethod ManLL Cool J and Busta Rhymes – 4:17
  6. "I Found My Smile Again" performed by D'Angelo – 6:15
  7. "For You I Will" performed by Monica – 4:56
  8. "Upside Down ('Round-N-'Round)" performed by Salt-N-Pepa – 4:16
  9. "Givin' U All That I've Got" performed by Robin S. – 4:04
  10. "Basketball Jones" performed by Barry White and Chris Rock – 5:40
  11. "I Turn to You" performed by All-4-One – 4:52
  12. "All of My Days" performed by Changing Faces featuring R. Kelly and Jay-Z – 4:01
  13. "That's the Way (I Like It)" performed by Spin Doctors featuring Biz Markie – 3:49
  14. "Buggin'" performed by Bugs Bunny (Billy West), Daffy Duck (Dee Bradley Baker) and Elmer Fudd (Billy West) – 4:14

I will lay it out pretty simply as to why this movie is awesome:

  • Michael Jordan
  • Looney Tunes
  • Aliens
  • R. Kelly & Coolio
  • Wayne Knight

When you take into account the five amazing elements listed above, there really is no reason as to why this masterpiece is currently receiving a 5.9/10.

Maybe if you weren't picked last for basketball year after year, you probably wouldn't be such a prick.


2010-2011 Green Bay Packers: Folk Heroes



Boy howdy!

The Packers are going to the Superbowl! This is exciting news for me not only because of my favorite sports franchise making yet another attempt at glory, but because two men, who have become Wisconsin folk heroes, have a chance to shine on the grandest stage in American sports.

  1. John Kuhn
  2. B.J. Raji

Everybody who follows this team is already familiar with Aaron Rodgers, Clay Matthews, and Charles Woodson for obvious reasons. They are remarkably great at each of their respective positions and because of that, (and because girls find them attractive, let's be honest) they find their likenesses on many jerseys across the State of Wisconsin and are paid quite a bit of money. However, the two aforementioned men, Kuhn and Raji, are two examples of the backbone of this organization. They do a lot of the dirty work that doesn't show up on ESPN, and tend to only be recognized by people like me, who spend hours on the internet reading about obscure tidbits of "knowledge" that nobody really needs to to be aware of. Because of that, seeing them being thrust into a position to make a name for themselves, and gaining the notoriety of the loyal fanbase that supports them has quite simply been a joy to witness.

A week ago, I watched the Divisional Playoff Game at Buffalo Wild Wings, and whenever John Kuhn even touched the ball, the hundreds of Packer fans in attendance, the majority of whom enjoying WAY too many Leinenkugel's at that point, in unison would chant his last name. Seeing this beast of a human being rumble and hurdle his way into the endzone never gets old.

Quite simply the best jersey ever created.

During that same game, B.J. Raji made his first appearance as fullback. After the running back scored, who coincidently enough was John Kuhn, history was made. Raji, and his 335 pound frame began to dance. Fast forward to today, on a pivotal play in a game that really shouldn't have been as close as it was, B.J. Raji again found himself in a play making position. After catching the ball, probably by instinct considering it may or may not have looked like a porkchop, Raji ran 18 yards into the endzone and again began to dance, a dance that with every passing moment is becoming known simply as "The Raji."

Look, we all have our favorite players for different reasons, but let's just take a moment to appreciate John Kuhn and B.J. Raji for all the hard, dirty work they do behind the scenes.

  1. John Kuhn, a converted fullback, earns the majority of his paycheck by blocking very large, very angry men. All day.
  2. B.J. Raji plays nosetackle in a 3-4 defense. His job, literally, is to be fat, be strong, and eat up A LOT of space so people like Clay Matthews can wreak havok on opposing players.

I want to see Raji dance one more time, on that giant screen in Arlington, Texas, on February 6th, 2011.




ESPN has ruined my ability to communicate

The commercial posted above has singlehandedly brought back my southern accent and is the sole reason why I now respect the University of Alabama. I sincerely apologize in advance to everybody I talk to on a regular basis because I wholeheartedly plan on ending EVERY statement, sentence, phrase and anecdote from this point forward with ROLL TIDE. 
I wasn't aware that elephants are indigenous to Alabama.