So, I had a dream last night...

DISCLAIMER:

YOU WILL LOVE THIS ARTICLE IF: You cried openly after the Green Bay Packers won Superbowl XLV.

YOU WILL HATE THIS ARTICLE IF: Seeing emotional, obnoxious "adults" screaming loudly about grown men playing with a pig's bladder made you worry about the current state of humanity.

It's been a few weeks since the Green Bay Packers' thrilling victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers. However, football season is now unfortunately over (perhaps for a long time when you consider a possible lockout) and I'm eagerly awaiting the 2011 NFL Draft. Long story short: Football is on my mind. It only makes sense that something that I'm so passionate about now has entered my subconscious, and I'm now going to discuss the best idea I've ever had.

Going to a Chicago Cubs vs. Chicago White Sox baseball game, wearing Packer jerseys and cheeseheads, and totally alienating the people around us.

What I'm proposing is simple:

1. Get a group of people together that share my Packer fanaticism
2. Purchase tickets to a Cubs/White Sox baseball game
3. Drive down to Chicago wearing Packer gear
4. Tailgate outside the stadium for hours, heckling Chicago-area fans. Do Lambeau Leaps into the back of our vehicles.
5. Lil Wayne's "Green and Yellow" playing. Constantly.
6. Enter stadium, after enjoying some adult beverages
7. Basic plan for the 9 innings of baseball (~3.5 hours):
   
   • "Go Pack Go" chants...often, and loudly.
   • Hold signs that say: "Welcome to Lambeau Field South."
   • Make a lot of "Da Bears" jokes. A LOT of them.
   • Ask the people around us who their favorite Packers are.
   • Give out some cheeseheads and trading cards to little kids in hopes of angering their depressed parents who have been Cubs fans all their lives, and likely will never witness a championship. Ever.
   • Advertise the many attractions of Wisconsin; state parks, resorts, haunted houses, etc.
   • When the game is over, raise our replica Super Bowl trophies, and in unision exclaim, "The Vince Lombardi trophy is coming home!"
8. Post-game festivities:
   
   • If the game took place at Wrigley Field, spend the night, explore Michigan Avenue, dine at the restaurants, and have an overall great night.
   • If the game took place at U.S. Celluar Field, leave, and as QUICKLY as possible. Let's be honest here, we are in South Chicago, and statistically speaking, the odds of us getting shot are quite high...especially after angering so many people.

That's essentially it. The fans of the Chicago Cubs and Chicago White Sox vehemently hate eachother. However, I feel that they could somehow put their differences aside and direct their anger at us instead. I honestly believe that we have been too respectful of the Bears fans since they lost to the Packers a few weeks ago, and letting them off the hook simply isn't right. If interested, get ahold of me, and we'll start planning the weekend trip of our lives.

In spite of Ed Gein being born here, I'm still really proud to be a Wisconsinite.

You have no idea how immensely I want to wear my Ray Nitschke jersey in Chicago.

Space Jam: The most underrated film of our generation

According to IMDB, here is the basic synopsis of Space Jam:

"Swackhammer, owner of the amusement park planet Moron Mountain is desperate to get new attractions and he decides that the Looney Tune characters would be perfect. He sends his diminutive underlings to get them to him, whether Bugs Bunny & Co. want to go or not. Well armed for their size, Bugs Bunny is forced to trick them into agreeing to a competition to determine their freedom. Taking advantage of their puny and stubby legged foes, the gang selects basketball for the surest chance of winning. However, the Nerdlucks turn the tables and steal the talents of leading professional basketball stars to become massive basketball bruisers known as the Monstars. In desperation, Bugs Bunny calls on the aid of Michael Jordan, to help them have a chance at winning their freedom."

Cast: A short list of the important human characters.

• Michael Jordan: People who can't even READ know who he is.
• Wayne Knight: Easily his 7th role as a bumbling, fat slob.
• Charles Barkley: One of the most politically incorrect public figures of the past two decades.
• Bill Murray: Pretty cool old guy.
• Larry Johnson: The same basketball player who cameoed as "Grandmama" on Family Matters.
• Random NBA talent: Patrick Ewing, Muggsy Bogues, Shawn Bradley.  However, bear in mind that Shawn Bradley really was never all that talented to begin with.

Looney Tunes: We all are familiar with them, so I'm not going to spend too much time explaining who they are, but suffice it to say, seeing Bugs Bunny attempting to get laid is pretty comical.

Monstars: They kidnap Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes, and perform some sort of genetic mutation to learn the game of basketball from a group of washed up, aging players in hopes of gaining revenue for an intergalactic theme park.

Soundtrack: Until last year, this was the ONLY soundtrack I ever purchased in my life, and it was also on cassette.

1. "Fly Like an Eagle" performed by Seal – 4:14
2. "The Winner" performed by Coolio – 4:03
3. "Space Jam" performed by Quad City DJ's — 5:07
4. "I Believe I Can Fly" performed by R. Kelly – 5:22
5. "Hit 'Em High (The Monstars' Anthem)" performed by B-Real of Cypress Hill, Coolio, Method Man, LL Cool J and Busta Rhymes – 4:17
6. "I Found My Smile Again" performed by D'Angelo – 6:15
7. "For You I Will" performed by Monica – 4:56
8. "Upside Down ('Round-N-'Round)" performed by Salt-N-Pepa – 4:16
9. "Givin' U All That I've Got" performed by Robin S. – 4:04
10. "Basketball Jones" performed by Barry White and Chris Rock – 5:40
11. "I Turn to You" performed by All-4-One – 4:52
12. "All of My Days" performed by Changing Faces featuring R. Kelly and Jay-Z – 4:01
13. "That's the Way (I Like It)" performed by Spin Doctors featuring Biz Markie – 3:49
14. "Buggin'" performed by Bugs Bunny (Billy West), Daffy Duck (Dee Bradley Baker) and Elmer Fudd (Billy West) – 4:14

I will lay it out pretty simply as to why this movie is awesome:

• Michael Jordan
• Looney Tunes
• Aliens
• R. Kelly & Coolio
• Wayne Knight

When you take into account the five amazing elements listed above, there really is no reason as to why this masterpiece is currently receiving a 5.9/10.

Maybe if you weren't picked last for basketball year after year, you probably wouldn't be such a prick.

2010-2011 Green Bay Packers: Folk Heroes

Yay!

Woo-Hoo!

Boy howdy!

The Packers are going to the Superbowl! This is exciting news for me not only because of my favorite sports franchise making yet another attempt at glory, but because two men, who have become Wisconsin folk heroes, have a chance to shine on the grandest stage in American sports.

1. John Kuhn
2. B.J. Raji

Everybody who follows this team is already familiar with Aaron Rodgers, Clay Matthews, and Charles Woodson for obvious reasons. They are remarkably great at each of their respective positions and because of that, (and because girls find them attractive, let's be honest) they find their likenesses on many jerseys across the State of Wisconsin and are paid quite a bit of money. However, the two aforementioned men, Kuhn and Raji, are two examples of the backbone of this organization. They do a lot of the dirty work that doesn't show up on ESPN, and tend to only be recognized by people like me, who spend hours on the internet reading about obscure tidbits of "knowledge" that nobody really needs to to be aware of. Because of that, seeing them being thrust into a position to make a name for themselves, and gaining the notoriety of the loyal fanbase that supports them has quite simply been a joy to witness.

A week ago, I watched the Divisional Playoff Game at Buffalo Wild Wings, and whenever John Kuhn even touched the ball, the hundreds of Packer fans in attendance, the majority of whom enjoying WAY too many Leinenkugel's at that point, in unison would chant his last name. Seeing this beast of a human being rumble and hurdle his way into the endzone never gets old.

Quite simply the best jersey ever created.

During that same game, B.J. Raji made his first appearance as fullback. After the running back scored, who coincidently enough was John Kuhn, history was made. Raji, and his 335 pound frame began to dance. Fast forward to today, on a pivotal play in a game that really shouldn't have been as close as it was, B.J. Raji again found himself in a play making position. After catching the ball, probably by instinct considering it may or may not have looked like a porkchop, Raji ran 18 yards into the endzone and again began to dance, a dance that with every passing moment is becoming known simply as "The Raji."

Look, we all have our favorite players for different reasons, but let's just take a moment to appreciate John Kuhn and B.J. Raji for all the hard, dirty work they do behind the scenes.

1. John Kuhn, a converted fullback, earns the majority of his paycheck by blocking very large, very angry men. All day.
2. B.J. Raji plays nosetackle in a 3-4 defense. His job, literally, is to be fat, be strong, and eat up A LOT of space so people like Clay Matthews can wreak havok on opposing players.

I want to see Raji dance one more time, on that giant screen in Arlington, Texas, on February 6th, 2011.

ESPN has ruined my ability to communicate

The commercial posted above has singlehandedly brought back my southern accent and is the sole reason why I now respect the University of Alabama. I sincerely apologize in advance to everybody I talk to on a regular basis because I wholeheartedly plan on ending EVERY statement, sentence, phrase and anecdote from this point forward with ROLL TIDE. 

I wasn't aware that elephants are indigenous to Alabama.

An Open Letter to Brett Favre

zakshesky.com until this point has been a forum for me to post ridiculous stories, sarcasm riddled anecdotes, and obscene ramblings. So far I have yet to write an article that expressed pure emotion, my true feelings, or to make actual points WITHOUT me trying to throw in a stupid joke, or somehow sneak in one of my patented rants. One of my childhood (and teenage, and young adult) heroes, a man I have cheered on in his prime, endeared during the twilight of his career, shed tears with during his times of sadness, and defended when he “became a traitor” has once again found himself in the media spotlight for reasons that he should not be.

His name is Brett Lorenzo Favre, and I just saw his alleged penis on deadspin.com

In case you have been living under a rock, Brett Favre is being investigated by the National Football League because of allegations that he has sent suggestive voicemails, explicit texts, and pictures of his penis to Jenn Sterger when they both were employees of the New York Jets. At this point, nothing has been proven yet, and until I hear anything official, I’ll hold my judgment. But regardless, when you combine these allegations with Favre’s diva attitude over the years, (an attitude that I defended) it becomes difficult even for me, one of the biggest Brett Favre fans you’ll ever meet, a vocal supporter, and an apologist to overlook and defend.

Below are the OTHER notable and well known off-the-field headlines of Brett Favre:

• Vicodin addiction: Football is a violent, painful sport. Many athletes take medication to relieve the stress on their bodies. Some athletes also get addicted to those drugs. He, unlike A LOT of them, went to rehabilitation, got help, and 15 years later, hasn’t touched a painkiller since.
• In 2004, Favre's wife, Deanna Favre, was diagnosed with breast cancer. Following aggressive treatment through 2004, she recovered. She and Brett created The Deanna Favre Hope Foundation which supports breast cancer education and women's breast imaging and diagnosis services for all women, including those who are medically underserved.
• Favre established the Brett Favre Fourward Foundation in 1996. In conjunction with his annual golf tournament, celebrity softball game, and fundraising dinners, the foundation has donated more than $2 million to charities in his home state of Mississippi as well as to those in his adopted state of Wisconsin.
• Retirements and Returns: Brett Favre has retired twice, returned twice, and waffled about his playing status for nearly 6 years. For me, I overlooked this behavior simply because of the fact that I understood that it’s ultimately HIS life, HIS career, and as long as he and his team(s) were willing to go through the annual summertime saga, who really cares? The man brings ratings, is probably the most exciting player to ever set foot in a stadium, and plays with a great deal of emotion and passion. He simply has been a joy for me to watch for 20 seasons, and in my opinion, he makes the NFL much better.

No matter what you think of the man, from 1992 until now, not even including his on-the-field achievements, it’s safe for me to state that Favre has been the face of not only the Green Bay Packers, but afterwards as one of the most cherished ambassadors the league could ever ask for. He has a southern charm and wit, a down-home attitude, and a certain enthusiasm that will be hard to ever replicate. However, if these allegations are in fact proven true, his legacy will be truly tarnished, his family will most likely be torn apart at the seams, and he will in many people’s eyes, including my own, become a pariah.

Brett, I really, REALLY hope the penis I saw was not yours. Also, I am quite concerned as to why I'm looking at penises.

I'll always support your achievements, your enthusiasm, but not your cock.