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Thursday
Aug152013

Let's go inside the mind of a Greg Jennings

The following three facts are indisputable:

 

  1. Greg Jennings: He is single-handedly the "most best offense in Madden history."
  2. Darren Sharper: Once considered the "most hardest hitting" free safeties in the league. (2016 UPDATE: MOST HARDEST HITTING RAPISTS)
  3. Ryan "The Real 25" Grant: The quintessential work horse running back.

This video is not only a great remix to the sensational work by DemetryJames86, but is quite possibly my favorite hip-hop song of all time.

 

Tuesday
Apr022013

Jesse Zakshesky: April Fool

It may come as no surprise to any of you that April Fools' Day, the (unofficial) national holiday our country celebrates every spring is one of my favorite days of the year. While I admittedly don't play many pranks on my friends and family, largely because it's usually me -- one of the most gullible people to ever walk the earth -- who is typically at the forefront of such shenanigans.

For the past thirteen years or so, companies and organizations that I rely upon everyday have used April Fools' Day as a means to make fun of themselves. Most recently, Netflix has started taking part in this tradition. For quite some time, Netflix has had specific genres to categorize the content that they offer to their instant streaming customers. Over the years, some people, such as me, have made fun of them for creating categories such as "Raunchy Dysfunctional Animated Comedies." While such categories makes finding the latest episodes of South Park extremely easy, my friends and I have enjoyed watching these genres evolve the past couple of months. 

Allow me to explain why I should never make fun of Netflix ever again.

Not necessarily noticing what Netflix was trying to pull, I posted that tweet. A few hours later however, I found myself doing a double take towards my television.

Seriously, don't watch this shit.

After confirming that Netflix's 2013 prank was to create implausibly specific categories, I realized that I wasn't going insane (see above statement about being one of the most gullible people to ever walk the earth) and decided to immediately stop what I was doing to watch this movie. For those of you who haven't heard of the film, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, "Some Other Guy" was actually Sylvester Stallone. The idea of the mother-son slapstick comedy between Estelle Getty (best known for her portrayal of Sophia Petrillio from The Golden Girls) and Stallone honestly seemed like a decent premise, so I decided to stop watching Opening Day baseball and throw Netflix a bone for a job well done.

That was a mistake.

With the exception of Estelle Getty, who put this production on her back with her adorable little mannerisms, this was the worst movie I've ever seen. In all honesty, this piece of trash COULD have had a chance to be redeemable for children and families because it does, to an extent, promote good family values. Those family values were immediately lost at around the twenty minute mark, when this happened:

Estelle Getty's character, an elderly widow and loving mother, illegally purchased an uzi machine pistol from the back of a van.

Via Wikipedia

The film received extremely negative reviews and retains a 4% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, based on 23 reviews. The film found more success on VHS and DVD. (Sylvester) Stallone claimed it was the worst film he ever made. In an interview with Ain't It Cool News, Stallone referred to it as "maybe one of the worst films in the entire solar system, including alien productions we’ve never seen", that "a flatworm could write a better script", and "in some countries – China, I believe – running [the movie] once a week on government television has lowered the birth rate to zero. If they ran it twice a week, I believe in twenty years China would be extinct."

Let's see what Siskel and Ebert had to say:

I don't know what makes me a bigger April Fool: Falling for Netflix's joke or spending 87 minutes of my life watching this atrocity.

Thursday
Jun302011

I'm cutting the cord on Facebook

I've been a Facebook user since my senior year of highschool. I got fed up with the debacle that was MySpace and (at the time) Facebook, a newly created social media network founded by Mark Zuckerberg seemed really clean, and was filled with features that actually worked. Over the years, as Facebook began to gain exponential amounts of social media market share, I kept using it. I remember when they first started to allow users to post status updates that didn't require one to have the word "is" appended before it. Then the company started allowing you to tag friends in photos. Facebook chat came out shortly after. Then apps.

All of these "innovations" were largely borrowed by other services, however they all seemingly worked pretty well, and it was fun to interact with everybody I knew, simply because the majority of everybody I knew was also a Facebook user. Overtime however, I discovered other services on the internet that offered (for me) a much more enriching and intuitive experience. 

  • Google Talk: Let's be honest for a second, anybody who has ever used Facebook chat knows how buggy it can be. Google Talk also has complete chat history (a feature I really love)
  • Twitter: A lot of people initially, and I was one of them, takes one look at Twitter and thinks out loud, "What the hell is this?" However, if you take a little time and actually set it up the way you like it, it's an amazing experience. I for one have created lists for my actual friends, news for the Madison area where I live, and for topics that I like to follow (breaking news, sports, technology, economics, and Epic Mealtime). It's actually really intuitive and addictive once you tweak it to fit your personal preferences.
  • Picasa: A desktop application which implements intuitive editing features and allows you to tag your friends/family in photos and videos. There is also Picasa Web Albums which allows you to share photos with your friends.
  • zakshesky.com: I spent BOTH time AND money to build this stupid website. It only makes sense to use it.

I truly have nothing really AGAINST Facebook, but over the years a number of reasons have come up that have irritated me beyond comprehension. One being simply that I'm an admitted Google fanboy and it bothers me that I'm using sub-par features from the competition. In recent months, Google has had their own FCC run-ins, and have taken a few actions that have even angered me. In spite of all this, I still prefer them over the PR fiasco that is Facebook and their "privacy" policies. I also recently received my invite to Google+, a social media project that I'm really excited about.

However, I do realize that, for whatever reason, you people have taken quite the liking to the idiotic statuses that I post, and the random photos that I upload. I still don't understand why, but because of this, I'm not deleting my Facebook account. I literally just linked my Twitter feed to my Facebook, and I will still reply to messages and wall posts. I also will continue to share links (only to selfishly plug my own website though.) Bear in mind however that I tweet approximately five times a day; if this bothers you, I strongly recommend either hiding me from your newsfeed or deleting me from your friends list ASAP. I probably will continue to upload pictures to Facebook, but I will be uploading them to Picasa as well, largely because of the fact that they offer high resolution photo and video uploads (resolutions that Facebook doesn't even come close to at this time.)

If you still wish to follow my internet adventures, I suggest you do the following:

  1. Follow me on Twitter: @zaksheskyman
  2. Add me on Google Talk: zaksheskymanATgmail.com (AT=@)
  3. Email me at jzaksheskyATzakshesky.com (AT = @)

It's been real.

Oh, I almost forgot. The MAIN reason I'm keeping my Facebook account is because I want to awkwardly creep on the photos from my female friends after Halloween and spring break. 

At least Mark Zuckerberg isn't as big a douchebag as Tom Anderson.

Friday
Jun242011

An actual email I sent to Sprint Telecommunications

Dear Sprint, 

My name is Jesse Zakshesky, and I am the proud owner of the Nexus S 4G Android smartphone, and I pay approximately $70/month on my unlimited data plan, for which you require to even own an Android smartphone. I also live in Madison, Wisconsin, a fairly tech-savvy city with approximately 561,505 people in the metropolitan area. It's the state capital of Wisconsin, and hosts a nationally renowned university.

A lot of people use technology here. How come I have no service in my bedroom?

I'm currently writing this email from my bedroom. If I look to my left, I see a door leading outside to a small area where my grill resides. I have service there.

If I walk to my right and sit down on my chair in my living room, I have service there.

However, right now, I'm looking at my phone and I have a triangle icon at the top panel, which represents the following scenario:

You have lost data connectivity.

This problem has never occurred until about a month ago. If for some reason my bedroom has suddenly become a cave, I would understand. However, upon further analysis, I just see a lot of dirty clothes and drywall, and if I'm not mistaken...a window.

You should probably fix this. If not, I'll strongly consider terminating my contract, and jumping ship to the guy shown below if necessary.

Contracts were meant to be broken.

 

Friday
Oct232009

The Journey Begins

The handsome devil you see here is a man who's opinions you will count on for years to come.

After months and months of deliberation, Jesse Zakshesky is finally on the internet. After a period of uncertainty, I finally broke down and bought the rights to zakshesky.com and feel pretty good about it. The only things that were keeping me back from embarking on this endeavor was cost, but I only spend about $130/year on this precious project (I highly recommend GoDaddy and Squarespace). Initially, I wasn't sure what it was that I wanted to do with this domain, but I ultimately decided it would be an interesting idea to use it as a means to publicize things that I want to share. These things include but are not limited to:

  • My opinions
  • My experiences
  • Links to webpages that interest me
  • My resume for employers
  • Nude photos of myself

This website is by no means complete, and still has some work to do. In the future, I'm looking into the possibility of adding more content such as:

  • Photos
  • Videos
  • Flash Intro
  • Online Store
  • Message Board

You may be asking yourself, "Who is this Jesse Zakshesky person, and why should I read the blog of a man who sounds so self-centered and conceded?" To answer your question, I personally find myself straight up hilarious, and I always make myself laugh, which is all I really care about. As you will read in the disclaimer, I'm not making this site for any particular reason, just simply as an online journal that is really only meant to be fully understood by one person: Jesse Zakshesky. However, as a fan of technology, politics, sports, and pop culture, I feel that I bring a unique sense of humor to these topics and hypothesize that after reading what it is that I have to say, I'm confident you will get a chuckle or two out of your experiences with this spectacular website.

Since you are still reading my maiden blog post, it's obvious to both of us that you are already hooked, and will be a loyal follower of mine for years. To reward your dedication, I offer you the gift below.