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Super Mario Kart: A Scouting Report

Approximately three weeks ago, I hooked up my Super Nintendo. While I no longer am an avid gamer, I'd say every six months or so, an inherently primal urge to play Super Mario Kart consumes me. During my latest 16-bit relapse, I decided that I would document key observations regarding the pros and cons of all eight characters featured in this amazing game.

Needless to say, I'm pretty proud of this.

Between hours of game time (honestly...hours. I'm slightly embarrassed to admit this) and data from a few websites as source material, I have formulated a somewhat comprehensive Super Mario Kart scouting report.

I have a strong affinity towards Princess Peach for reasons that I will not disclose publicly.

During the duration of my Super Mario Kart career, my character of choice has historically been Bowser. A few quick notes as to why that is:

  • Slow acceleration, but incredible top speed.
  • High weight allows for great handling. Important on tracks such as Ghost Valley or Rainbow Road where falling off the track is likely. 
  • High weight also allows for situations in which bullying smaller characters is possible. 
  • For some reason, I'm really good with lava ball shots. I always have been.

Perhaps in the future I may decide to expand upon this post with a descriptive scouting report on the various tracks, but that really sounds exhausting. With that said, I sincerely urge any of you to venture to my apartment and challenge me at this game. I'm not even kidding. I don't have many opportunities to play Battle Mode that often anymore, which is unfortunate.

Source Material:

A quick note on Rainbow Road: Shigeru Miyamoto, you are a legendary game developer. The industry will forever be indebted to you. However, that godforsaken track has ruined my life.


My quarter-life crisis

Nine years ago, I made arguably the biggest mistake of my life. It was a decision I made out of desperation because at the time, my only source of income was my allowance that I was given to be my parents' indentured servant (aka: Son) and perform such tasks as mowing lawns, shoveling snow, and doing dishes poorly. At this time, I became enamored with this new-fangled toy known simply as a Gameboy Advance. To pay for it, I sold my Super Nintendo and my large collection of the finest games ever created. This was easily my single greatest blunder to date.

With the exception of Halo, Gears of War, and the ability to trash talk prepubescent males over the internet, deep down I'm still a Nintendo fanboy and I really feel the need to get back to my roots. 

In all honesty, I'm no longer good at competitive FPS and Madden, and because of this fact, I retired from online gaming. My Xbox 360 is simply a means for me to watch Netflix, Hulu, ESPN 3 and other various forms of media.

I recently was at a used video game store with a friend of mine, and seeing the classic Nintendo section caused a nostalgic swell in my heart.

  • Mario Bros
  • Mario Kart
  • Mario Golf
  • Mario Party
  • The Legend of Zelda
  • Star Wars: Rogue Squadron
  • Super Metroid
  • Donkey Kong Country
  • Jungle/Desert Strike
  • Pitfall
  • R-Type

The fact that I no longer have access to the list of aforementioned games has led me to illegally downloading emulators on my computer, but the experience isn't simply the same as holding a Dorito-covered controller in my hand at 1am.

I would like to take this opportunity to proclaim to my friends, family, roommates, and the miscellaneous Portuguese citizens that seem to love my website that I will soon be making visits to eBay and various retail outlets to rekindle a lost flame from my youth, and not only will be purchasing a Super Nintendo, but once again will be powering up my Nintendo 64 as well.

We so excited.