The Takedown Of Jesse Zakshesky

The fact that I'm even writing this article is ironic when you take into account that I literally was bragging last night about how I've never been pulled over once. Ever.

It's hilarious how 12 hours can drastically shrink the size of your testicles.

Today, at 12:20pm, I was driving on John Nolen Drive en route to a meeting I had to attend at 12:30. The speed limit was 30mph (which I still think is too slow for that stretch of road, but whatever) and I was doing my normal +5 over the limit. I wasn't in a huge hurry, and at my current rate would have had ample time to park and walk to my destination. 

That was until I got behind "Nanna."

Nanna felt that it was completely acceptable to go 25mph behind a bus that itself was taking its own damn time. I understand that people in their elderly years are a little more careful and can be scared to pass large vehicles. I accept that. However, I'm NOT elderly, and I simply cannot justify going BELOW the speed limit for any considerable amount of time. Pictured below is a gifted artist's replication of the situation that I faced on this fateful day:

Not a dramatization.

So after I performed the maneuver depicted by the red arrows, a move that I will now refer to as "Left Red Shift," I thought my annoying 5 second experience was over.

Wrong.

Once I got by both Nanna and the bus, I glanced over to my right side mirror, admiring the noobs that I just passed. After relishing in what I accomplished, my field of vision redirected itself back to the 2 O'Clock position, where something else caught my eyes: A police officer with a radar gun. 

At this point I figured I was screwed, but for about 2 minutes I didn't see any police cruisers following me...until Broom Street. Once I got in the left turn lane, Officer "Warren" got a hold of me. I knew I was caught, so once I turned left, I figured it was time to concede and promptly pulled off at Bedford and awaited Warren's wrath. Warren and his comrade clocked me at 45mph in a 30 Zone, but apparently Warren and I "bonded" because he felt pity on my soul. Since I didn't act like a douche, and because my record was clean until this point, he only recorded me at +10. I was only docked 3 points on my license, and the ticket is only $88. I honestly really liked Warren, until he noticed when my birthday is and made the following comment:

Officer Warren: "Jesse, I see it is your birthday in a few days, so I'm gonna let you off a little easy so you can have more cash to party, or whatever it is you do with your money."

Warren, how about this? On May 31st, I'll give you a call, and you can come to the bars with me where you'll see me and my friends probably intoxicated beyond comprehension. You and I will then do a few shots, all on your tab of course. That's where you'll see "what I do with my money." Maybe afterwards you can give me a ride back to my apartment. Sounds like an absolutely marvelous night to me.

Honestly, I am looking at this experience with a smile. Nobody got hurt, Warren wasn't a "complete" ass, and I got off pretty easy. Quite frankly, the 88 dollars MORE than pays for all the shenanigans I have pulled in the past, such as street racing, allowing people in my back seat to drink, and perpetually speeding in school zones. 

I'm a somewhat changed man.

Warren's Favorite Show

Ford Taurus: An everlasting gift to mankind

Having a car you enjoy driving can be a big confidence boost. That is why whenever I roll up in my '98 Ford Taurus, I feel like a total badass. You may be thinking, "Jesse, your car is almost 12 years old, has no power locks, and a cassette deck...how can you possibly enjoy driving it?" Well my misinformed friend, the fact of the matter is this; cruising down the freeway at nearly 90mph may be fun in your Camaros, GTOs, or "any vehicle with the word HEMI in it" because you crippled your credit to buy it. However, you have no idea how liberating it feels to be 21 years old driving a Ford Taurus, while passing some dude enduring his midlife crisis who has a personalized plate with the letters "SPDDMN" on his refurbished hotrod. Watching that man's jaw literally drop as I pass him on the left never gets old.

I don't necessarily condone speeding or anything, but lets be honest, some drivers simply have it coming to them. If I see a biker obnoxiously revving his engine next to me at a red light, I can't help but get some competitive juices flowing. For real, do you really need a vehicle that has 300+ horsepower, when the majority of its use will be to drive your kids to soccer games, or to buy food at the local grocery store?

No, what you should instead do is invest your hard earned money in a Ford Taurus. And if you feel that you must have all the technological features in it, merely to fuel your "inner badass," I recommend the 2010 model.

In closing, let me end on this uplifiting note. If you ever want to prove yourself, or your crappy car for that matter, let me know. My Ford Taurus and I, frankly, will wipe the asphalt with you.

If God drove a car, it would be a Ford Taurus.

Update on Sunday, December 6, 2009 at 8:42PM by Jesse Zakshesky

Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus