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Entries in Dumbass (8)

Tuesday
Apr022013

Jesse Zakshesky: April Fool

It may come as no surprise to any of you that April Fools' Day, the (unofficial) national holiday our country celebrates every spring is one of my favorite days of the year. While I admittedly don't play many pranks on my friends and family, largely because it's usually me -- one of the most gullible people to ever walk the earth -- who is typically at the forefront of such shenanigans.

For the past thirteen years or so, companies and organizations that I rely upon everyday have used April Fools' Day as a means to make fun of themselves. Most recently, Netflix has started taking part in this tradition. For quite some time, Netflix has had specific genres to categorize the content that they offer to their instant streaming customers. Over the years, some people, such as me, have made fun of them for creating categories such as "Raunchy Dysfunctional Animated Comedies." While such categories makes finding the latest episodes of South Park extremely easy, my friends and I have enjoyed watching these genres evolve the past couple of months. 

Allow me to explain why I should never make fun of Netflix ever again.

Not necessarily noticing what Netflix was trying to pull, I posted that tweet. A few hours later however, I found myself doing a double take towards my television.

Seriously, don't watch this shit.

After confirming that Netflix's 2013 prank was to create implausibly specific categories, I realized that I wasn't going insane (see above statement about being one of the most gullible people to ever walk the earth) and decided to immediately stop what I was doing to watch this movie. For those of you who haven't heard of the film, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, "Some Other Guy" was actually Sylvester Stallone. The idea of the mother-son slapstick comedy between Estelle Getty (best known for her portrayal of Sophia Petrillio from The Golden Girls) and Stallone honestly seemed like a decent premise, so I decided to stop watching Opening Day baseball and throw Netflix a bone for a job well done.

That was a mistake.

With the exception of Estelle Getty, who put this production on her back with her adorable little mannerisms, this was the worst movie I've ever seen. In all honesty, this piece of trash COULD have had a chance to be redeemable for children and families because it does, to an extent, promote good family values. Those family values were immediately lost at around the twenty minute mark, when this happened:

Estelle Getty's character, an elderly widow and loving mother, illegally purchased an uzi machine pistol from the back of a van.

Via Wikipedia

The film received extremely negative reviews and retains a 4% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, based on 23 reviews. The film found more success on VHS and DVD. (Sylvester) Stallone claimed it was the worst film he ever made. In an interview with Ain't It Cool News, Stallone referred to it as "maybe one of the worst films in the entire solar system, including alien productions we’ve never seen", that "a flatworm could write a better script", and "in some countries – China, I believe – running [the movie] once a week on government television has lowered the birth rate to zero. If they ran it twice a week, I believe in twenty years China would be extinct."

Let's see what Siskel and Ebert had to say:

I don't know what makes me a bigger April Fool: Falling for Netflix's joke or spending 87 minutes of my life watching this atrocity.

Sunday
May152011

My Guilty Pleasure

I don't have desire to pay for cable, so generally I watch all of my television via Netflix or Hulu. However, the only problem with this decision is that I miss out on a lot of new content, and typically will only see things months later because of rampant word-of-mouth. This has lead me to watching quite a bit of television at my parents' when I come over to eat their food and nap on their couch on my Sunday afternoon visits.

For the past few weeks, I have been watching A LOT of History Channel, and more specifically one of their newer dramas:

Simply unbelievable.Here is the basic premise of Swamp People according to Wikipedia:

Swamp People is a documentary television series on the History Channel that follows Cajuns living in the Atchafalaya River Basin swamp in Louisiana, USA who hunt American Alligators for a living. The series premiered August 22, 2010 and set a ratings record for History.

Alligator season in Louisiana begins on the first Wednesday in September and lasts 30 days. In this time limit, many of the alligator hunters, following a tradition dating back 300 years, earn most of their yearly income in a high risk vocation dependent on experience and the whims of weather within strict regulation by wildlife laws. 

I'll be honest here, the reason why I have taken a liking to this show is simple:

  • Cajuns.
  • Cajuns who have awesome accents.
  • Cajuns who have awesome accents carrying firearms.
  • Cajuns who have awesome accents carrying firearms in boats.
  • Cajuns who have awesome accents carrying firearms in boats attempting to shoot alligators.
  • Cajuns who have awesome accents carrying firearms in boats attempting to shoot alligators while swearing heavily.

I urge you to do yourself a favor and watch at least ONE episode of this rediculous show.

 

Sunday
Jan092011

ESPN has ruined my ability to communicate

The commercial posted above has singlehandedly brought back my southern accent and is the sole reason why I now respect the University of Alabama. I sincerely apologize in advance to everybody I talk to on a regular basis because I wholeheartedly plan on ending EVERY statement, sentence, phrase and anecdote from this point forward with ROLL TIDE. 
I wasn't aware that elephants are indigenous to Alabama.
Saturday
Dec112010

Spontaneity + Laziness = $

Anybody that has known me for any considerable amount of time understands that I truly love food, and also greatly enjoy cooking my own meals. I love trying new dishes. However, I also seek out familiar classics such as gargantuan-sized portions of steaks, sandwiches, burgers, and breakfasts. Since I've been of legal age, I've also throughly enjoyed mixing my own drinks, and buying German-inspired brews for my own consumption at home. If you have ANY sort of economic prowess, you understand that attempting to eat and drink at home is CONSIDERABLY cheaper than doing the same at restaurants and bars. Clearly, going out is definitely a great way of being social and trying new things, and doing so a couple times a week is expected and endorsed. 

Keyword on a couple.

Hi, my name is Jesse Zakshesky, and lately, I've been too lazy to buy groceries. When you combine that with the fact that I get incredibly hungry ALL THE TIME, desperation ensues. This problem usually is escalated when I have had a few of these "drinks" I was talking about above, which lately have been purchased at bars instead of being found in my refrigerator and/or liquor collection. The really sad part is that I've worked part time at a damn grocery store for the past 5 years, so I really can't complain about it being "too far away."

My roommates and close friends challenged me to document, for a week, how much I spend on food and drinks in hopes that I will prove a point to myself about how much money I shell out on a whim. And lucky for you, I'm sharing this data with the public as well. 

Guys, seriously, go to Flemings.

Allow me to elaborate on some of the aforementioned data: 

  • Eric and I really, REALLY love Silver Mine Subs.
  • The eggnog purchase was completely ridiculous considering that I've never had it before, ever. Luckily, it was amazing and I plan on having a lot more this month.
  • The gyros at Parthenon would've never happened had it not been for the over consumption of eggnog/rum a few hours prior.
  • Thursday's meal technically was planned. Also, if you live in Madison, try Flemings. Now.
  • The grand total could've been A LOT higher considering the fact that I didn't go to any bars this week. Thank you winter. 

If you excuse me, I'm going to go reevaluate my life, probably at a bar, and afterwards at Qdoba.

Thursday
Oct142010

An Open Letter to Brett Favre

zakshesky.com until this point has been a forum for me to post ridiculous stories, sarcasm riddled anecdotes, and obscene ramblings. So far I have yet to write an article that expressed pure emotion, my true feelings, or to make actual points WITHOUT me trying to throw in a stupid joke, or somehow sneak in one of my patented rants. One of my childhood (and teenage, and young adult) heroes, a man I have cheered on in his prime, endeared during the twilight of his career, shed tears with during his times of sadness, and defended when he “became a traitor” has once again found himself in the media spotlight for reasons that he should not be.

His name is Brett Lorenzo Favre, and I just saw his alleged penis on deadspin.com

In case you have been living under a rock, Brett Favre is being investigated by the National Football League because of allegations that he has sent suggestive voicemails, explicit texts, and pictures of his penis to Jenn Sterger when they both were employees of the New York Jets. At this point, nothing has been proven yet, and until I hear anything official, I’ll hold my judgment. But regardless, when you combine these allegations with Favre’s diva attitude over the years, (an attitude that I defended) it becomes difficult even for me, one of the biggest Brett Favre fans you’ll ever meet, a vocal supporter, and an apologist to overlook and defend.

Below are the OTHER notable and well known off-the-field headlines of Brett Favre:
  • Vicodin addiction: Football is a violent, painful sport. Many athletes take medication to relieve the stress on their bodies. Some athletes also get addicted to those drugs. He, unlike A LOT of them, went to rehabilitation, got help, and 15 years later, hasn’t touched a painkiller since.
  • In 2004, Favre's wife, Deanna Favre, was diagnosed with breast cancer. Following aggressive treatment through 2004, she recovered. She and Brett created The Deanna Favre Hope Foundation which supports breast cancer education and women's breast imaging and diagnosis services for all women, including those who are medically underserved.
  • Favre established the Brett Favre Fourward Foundation in 1996. In conjunction with his annual golf tournament, celebrity softball game, and fundraising dinners, the foundation has donated more than $2 million to charities in his home state of Mississippi as well as to those in his adopted state of Wisconsin.
  • Retirements and Returns: Brett Favre has retired twice, returned twice, and waffled about his playing status for nearly 6 years. For me, I overlooked this behavior simply because of the fact that I understood that it’s ultimately HIS life, HIS career, and as long as he and his team(s) were willing to go through the annual summertime saga, who really cares? The man brings ratings, is probably the most exciting player to ever set foot in a stadium, and plays with a great deal of emotion and passion. He simply has been a joy for me to watch for 20 seasons, and in my opinion, he makes the NFL much better.
No matter what you think of the man, from 1992 until now, not even including his on-the-field achievements, it’s safe for me to state that Favre has been the face of not only the Green Bay Packers, but afterwards as one of the most cherished ambassadors the league could ever ask for. He has a southern charm and wit, a down-home attitude, and a certain enthusiasm that will be hard to ever replicate. However, if these allegations are in fact proven true, his legacy will be truly tarnished, his family will most likely be torn apart at the seams, and he will in many people’s eyes, including my own, become a pariah.

Brett, I really, REALLY hope the penis I saw was not yours. Also, I am quite concerned as to why I'm looking at penises.

I'll always support your achievements, your enthusiasm, but not your cock.