"What the hell is going on up there?!"

My roommate Eric and I have been living at our apartment for a good 4 months or so. Considering the fact that we got a good deal on the place even though we started looking WAY too late, I can't have too many justifiable complaints about the actual apartment.

However, that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to rant about the other tenants who live upstairs.

While they aren't a nuisance, intrusive, or violent, (even though the two dudes wearing trench coats may in fact be fugitives) they do certain things that cause me anger weekly. A few are listed below:

• Our place is older, so I'm guessing the water heater is shared. This means that there is a possibility of my preferred hot showers becoming blisteringly cold. I accept that. However, EVERY TIME I shower, I have to perform strategic maneuvers to maintain my hot water. Normally I get in there, and it's fine for like 3-5 minutes. Soon after however, I find myself on the other end of the bathtub muttering obscenities.
• During the course of a given day, the clogging of their boots causes Eric and I each to take a moment to recognize that we may in fact be living below soldiers from the Confederate Army. In the mornings and evenings, which I hypothesize are when they are getting up and coming home from wherever it is they go during the day, the deafening sounds of footsteps is utterly amazing.
• Late at night, normally around 11:30, we've heard rumblings and commotion the likes of which is only comparable to the stampede from the cinematic classic Jumanji. When I first moved in, I assumed the first few times were them simply arranging furniture. As the weeks added up, I suspected it was my neighbors having wild sex. However, since I haven't encountered a female upstairs before, the only logical and/or plausible solutions I'm left with are that they are either in fact actual animals, or my apartment complex is haunted.

To further illustrate this trend (and also because I wanted to kill some time at work) I made this chart from actual data that I collected last Tuesday.

 Exhibit A

If you look at last Tuesday's data, I have formulated the following scientific models.

1. Shower use: First of all, they must be the cleanest people on earth. Furthermore, I'm convinced that if I were to take a shower at 4am, they would somehow feel the need to do the same.
2. Boot clogging: When you take into account the pacing, I may be living below either a novelist experiencing writers block, or a madman conteplating his future injustices.
3. Miscellaneous Noises: I still have reason to believe that this place is haunted.

In conclusion, these people were obviously raised in a barn.

Exact replication of me taking a shower if I was 40 years old and hairy.