Space Jam: The most underrated film of our generation

According to IMDB, here is the basic synopsis of Space Jam:

"Swackhammer, owner of the amusement park planet Moron Mountain is desperate to get new attractions and he decides that the Looney Tune characters would be perfect. He sends his diminutive underlings to get them to him, whether Bugs Bunny & Co. want to go or not. Well armed for their size, Bugs Bunny is forced to trick them into agreeing to a competition to determine their freedom. Taking advantage of their puny and stubby legged foes, the gang selects basketball for the surest chance of winning. However, the Nerdlucks turn the tables and steal the talents of leading professional basketball stars to become massive basketball bruisers known as the Monstars. In desperation, Bugs Bunny calls on the aid of Michael Jordan, to help them have a chance at winning their freedom."

Cast: A short list of the important human characters.

• Michael Jordan: People who can't even READ know who he is.
• Wayne Knight: Easily his 7th role as a bumbling, fat slob.
• Charles Barkley: One of the most politically incorrect public figures of the past two decades.
• Bill Murray: Pretty cool old guy.
• Larry Johnson: The same basketball player who cameoed as "Grandmama" on Family Matters.
• Random NBA talent: Patrick Ewing, Muggsy Bogues, Shawn Bradley.  However, bear in mind that Shawn Bradley really was never all that talented to begin with.

Looney Tunes: We all are familiar with them, so I'm not going to spend too much time explaining who they are, but suffice it to say, seeing Bugs Bunny attempting to get laid is pretty comical.

Monstars: They kidnap Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes, and perform some sort of genetic mutation to learn the game of basketball from a group of washed up, aging players in hopes of gaining revenue for an intergalactic theme park.

Soundtrack: Until last year, this was the ONLY soundtrack I ever purchased in my life, and it was also on cassette.

1. "Fly Like an Eagle" performed by Seal – 4:14
2. "The Winner" performed by Coolio – 4:03
3. "Space Jam" performed by Quad City DJ's — 5:07
4. "I Believe I Can Fly" performed by R. Kelly – 5:22
5. "Hit 'Em High (The Monstars' Anthem)" performed by B-Real of Cypress Hill, Coolio, Method Man, LL Cool J and Busta Rhymes – 4:17
6. "I Found My Smile Again" performed by D'Angelo – 6:15
7. "For You I Will" performed by Monica – 4:56
8. "Upside Down ('Round-N-'Round)" performed by Salt-N-Pepa – 4:16
9. "Givin' U All That I've Got" performed by Robin S. – 4:04
10. "Basketball Jones" performed by Barry White and Chris Rock – 5:40
11. "I Turn to You" performed by All-4-One – 4:52
12. "All of My Days" performed by Changing Faces featuring R. Kelly and Jay-Z – 4:01
13. "That's the Way (I Like It)" performed by Spin Doctors featuring Biz Markie – 3:49
14. "Buggin'" performed by Bugs Bunny (Billy West), Daffy Duck (Dee Bradley Baker) and Elmer Fudd (Billy West) – 4:14

I will lay it out pretty simply as to why this movie is awesome:

• Michael Jordan
• Looney Tunes
• Aliens
• R. Kelly & Coolio
• Wayne Knight

When you take into account the five amazing elements listed above, there really is no reason as to why this masterpiece is currently receiving a 5.9/10.

Maybe if you weren't picked last for basketball year after year, you probably wouldn't be such a prick.

Jesse Zakshesky: A Liar and a Thief

I would say that I'm a pretty straight-forward guy. Typically, I speak my mind with no worry about what people may think. That fact leads to me not having to hold on to a lot of secrets.

Except one.

When I moved to the great state of Wisconsin in fifth grade, there was a cultural phenomenon occurring on an international scale: Harry Potter. I started reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone while in fourth grade, and like the rest of the country, was hooked. So, one would safely assume that I would continue reading the rest of this critically-acclaimed series. 

Nope.

Even at that age, I had an uncanny desire to be different, so as much as I wanted to continue reading Harry Potter,  I felt a relentless urge to read other things, which lead to me to sports biographies, paranormal accounts, and this little thing called The Lord of the Rings. However, in spite of all this "other reading" I was doing, I was still curious about Harry Potter.

This leads us to seventh grade, when I committed theft.

At this point in my life, I had an elitist attitude towards anybody who read Harry Potter, and literally bullied them to make myself feel better. This of course was to cover my insecure tracks because in reality, I really, really wanted to read Harry Potter. Late in seventh grade, I simply couldn't take it anymore. 

It was study hall, and half of us were reading, the other half was talking, and then there was me, masterminding my heist. For the past 3 periods that day, I was stalking a fellow classmates' copy of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, and I knew I was eventually going to steal it...I just didn't know when or how. But my opponent got up, and left my prize alone, unattended. I quickly switched into attack mode, and swiftly snatched up that book with one hand and jammed it as far down my backpack as possible with the other. 

So there you go, even in spite of not reading the second book in the series, I read that entire novel in a day in a half. The really funny part was that I read it in the very study hall I stole it from, I simply put a book cover over it. After finishing the book, which I generally enjoyed, I felt guilty about having it, so I really didn't have a desire to continue reading Harry Potter, and that was the final iteration of it that I ever attempted to consume. From that summer on, I went back to my old ways, belittling people who liked the series, and eventually the films. It's only fitting that the only film adaptation of the series I ever watched also was Azkaban, which I felt inclined to see, but after viewing it, I really lost all interest in keeping up with the web of deception I created.

You may be wondering why I'm coming clean like this. Allow me to elaborate. I actually ran into the guy I stole this book from at a bar recently, and I realized that if I were to ever see him again, especially under the influence of alcohol, I would probably feel compelled to embarrass myself publicly, so let's avoid that. 

And more importantly, I really feel this story is quite entertaining.

Mike Slinde, I'm sorry I stole your damn book. If you want it back, let me know.

Harry Potter is the most over-rated series of all time.

What You Wearn't Taught In School

Saturday, February 20th, 2010 started out like a normal weekend night for 3 individuals in their early 20's. Myself plus two friends did a little bar hopping and generally had a great time discussing sports, women, and food. While walking from bar to bar, we encountered highly interesting individuals, but none of whom were more interesting than a man I met at a bar called Hawks.

When we rolled into the bar around 1:30am, I noticed what appeared to be a man in his mid-twenties, drinking by himself. Just wanting to be nice, I decide to strike up a conversation with him. It turns out his name is JP, and he has a great interest in theology and sociology. Assuming I'm just going to hear the ramblings of a drunk college student...which is never a bad thing, I decide to humor him.

However, what I was about to hear has been engraved in my mind, and for the past 2 days, I can't get it out of my head.

With no introduction at all, JP busts out the big guns metaphorically and 20 seconds into this mind blowing conversation, he pulls out an introduction that any "nerd" couldn't resist, and that simply is this:

"Jesse, what are your thoughts on The Force?"

Not sure what quite to say to this, I do my best Liam Neeson impersonation and simply reply with: "According to Star Wars lore, The Force binds all of us together, it can control our actions and our destiny." JP nodded his head with approval, but interjected with another metaphoric round house kick to my admittedly drunk mind. "Jesse, I'm prepared to tell you the truth about not only Star Wars, but the real world...in this galaxy." 

What you are about to read is the exact tale that JP described to me. I actually researched the validity of his claims, and they are obviously false, but the fact that this man was sitting alone in a bar thinking this stuff up while my friends and I JUST HAPPEN to roll in to listen to this story is no accident, and is quite possibly fate. 

According to JP, when George Lucas, the writer/director/producer of Star Wars was in college, he had a professor that was a member of the Knights Templar. Allegedly, the Knights Templar actually originated in ancient Egypt, and the founding fathers strongly believed in the idea of a force that connects our thoughts, feelings, actions, and emotions, along with environmental phenomenon, such as the seasons and rising/setting of the Sun. These people called this force "The Net" and for over 200 years, believing in The Net and basing your life around the power of it made them sacred. In JP's eloquent words, "the leader of The Net, the Muhammad or Jesus if you will, was a pointy-eared dwarf named Yooda." JP also stated that "Dwarves were a minority in ancient Egypt, and were highly persecuted", so by worshiping an Egyptian dwarf named Yooda with pointy ears, and putting your prejudices aside, that made you a true follower of The Net, and granted you the ability to achieve supernatural ability. These abilities allegedly included inhuman strength, increased cognitive ability, and advanced technological intuition. Taking that all into account, JP claims to believe that this tight knit group of followers were actually responsible for building the pyramids. "How else could something so perfect, so beautiful, so utterly geometrically sublime be created by men with mere tools?" He goes on to state that because of the threat they posed to the Pharaoh, The Net started getting systematically exterminated, and ironically enough, a few of whom were mistaken for Moses' "people." With 3/4 of The Net ruthlessly slaughtered by Egyptians, the remaining few, known as "The High Council" traveled with Moses for 40 years in the desert.

At this point, JP's story tapers off since the bar was about to close, but essentially this is what he ended on:

• The High Council lived in secrecy for thousands of years; their descendants carried on their heritage.
• George Lucas' professor, who I wasn't able to find online, allegedly is a direct descendant of this lineage.
• Instead of using lightsabers, the followers of The Net used daggers that were tapered with energy from the Sun.
• If you take one of these rare daggers to a pyramid in Egypt, you will witness phenomenon, such as color change and high temperature peaks.

Egyptian?