A couple days ago, my buddy David and I were at The Pizza Oven, a Monona, Wisconsin gem that just so happens to serve the best pizza I have ever eaten. It's a bold statement, but I would also like to point out that I've eaten A LOT of damn pizza in my life.

Now that I've gotten my promotional considerations out of the way, let me get to the guts of this story. David and I realized after looking around the place, that the walls are completely filled with sports memorabilia, from the likes of the Green Bay Packers and Brett Favre to other nationally themed tributes, such as Tiger Woods, Mark McGwire and Jim Brown. 

At this point David asks me, "You know what would be awesome? What if instead of basically worshiping these people for all of their athletic achievements, what if a restaurant instead put up framed pictures and news articles of all their scandals?"

A revolutionary idea was conceived.

Imagine this: It's Saturday night, and you want to watch the game. You and your buddies walk through the doors of a sports bar to see walls filled with Michael Vick and Tiger Woods. Any "normal" establishment would focus primarily on Michael Vick's days as a NFL phenom or Tiger Woods' dominance in golf.

Not here. Oh, and from this point forward, "here" is now known simply as The Bloody Glove. The Bloody Glove would have an entire wall filled with pictures of Tiger Woods' bruised face, a collage of all women he allegedly slept with, and probably a TV with which I will loop his voicemails to these women and have them transcribed so you, as the customer, can enjoy the downfall of a man who used to be the face of golf, but now has problems even qualifying for tournaments.

We've covered Tiger Woods, but what other athletes could we exploit? I've conveniently made a list of some of the walls David and I plan on having in this restaurant. And yes, there are going to be A LOT of walls at The Bloody Glove. It'll actually be the most architecturally pleasing establishment you've ever been to.

• Brett Favre: Vicodin addiction, alcohol abuse, maybe some retirement drama for good effect.
• Michael Vick: Dog Fighting, airport bong seizure, giving fans the middle finger.
• Barry Bonds: Steroids. A LOT of steroids.
• Roger Clemens: Refer to Barry Bonds.
• Dennis Rodman: I don't even know where to begin.
• Plaxico Burress: Guns don't shoot people, Plaxico Burress shoots people...most notably himself.
• OJ Simpson: "If the glove don't fit, you must acquit." In case you haven't realized yet, that very glove mentioned in Johnnie Cochran's memorable quote is the namesake for this amazing restaurant.
• Michael Phelps: DUI, bong photo.

Clearly we need to apply for a loan as soon as possible.

There are three things that individually are great:

1. Steak
2. Beer
3. Bear Grylls

However, if you want to experience a truly marvelous evening, I highly recommend combining these gems together into what I call "A Collaboration of Glory." Tonight I seasoned a steak perfectly, with the best blend of spices and herbs, and created a balance of taste euphoria that until this moment, only my dad has mastered. While I have a documented obsession with Long Island Iced Tea,  I'm taking a little break (about 4 days) from the hard liquor. However, on this historic night, water or even Eric's amazing Kool-Aid (pending blog post coming, I promise) would not suffice. No, tonight I was having beer. Since I didn't have my favorite beer on hand (Franziskaner) I had to drink Miller Genuine Draft. And finally, it only seemed fitting that after having such an epic meal and beverage combo, I could only watch the most epic show conceived, Man vs. Wild, starring one of my idols (and a Brit who I have a man-crush on) Bear Grylls.

Preparation

Finished Product

Thank you Alison

Easily one of the most satisfying Dinner and Shows I've ever experienced.

Simply put, over the past few months I have become a lazy bum. I used to work out, run, and stay in decent shape. The feeling of going to bed with my core literally on fire is indescribable, and correlates to the best sleep ever. However, lately I have become a shell of my former self. All I seem to do is lay around and eat flavored crackers. Last summer I worked out at least once a day, and generally enjoyed doing it. Furthermore, while lifting weights or going for a run, I would listen to epic orchestra music with the perfect amount of "monk choir." Below you'll hear an example of such music:

I literally have 45 hours of this stuff, and it puts me in the mindset to destroy things. 

I will allow myself this weekend to be lazy, but this is what's going to happen on Monday, December 28th:

1. Run at least 5 miles per week.
2. Get of my ass and lift every other day.

New Years Resolutions never work, so I'm starting this process now, in the current year.

My goal is simple: By the time I return to Copper Falls this May, (The Most Magical and Sacred Place on Earth) I will have regained my former glory, and the man you see below will have finally returned. I would feel unworthy to be in such a place otherwise.

Never forget.

Let me preface this entry by stating that I'm not peddling religion at all. The goal of this article is not to advocate Christianity, but merely to summarize the Old Testament...quite possibly the most action packed, balls-to-the-wall collection of stories ever written. There are many reasons as to why the Bible is the top selling piece of literature of all time, however if it wasn't for the Old Testament, it would lose the majority of its muster. Since there really isn't one, let me create a Table of Contents to further exemplify and organize my personal favorites:

1. Adam and Eve: 2 semi-naked individuals living in a beautiful forest...with Satan masquerading as a talking snake.
2. Cain and Abel: Humanity's first reported acts of jealousy and murder.
3. Tower of Babel: Mankind's failed attempt to build a tower high enough to reach Heaven.
4. Noah: 500 year old man builds giant boat because the ENTIRE PLANET IS FLOODED.
5. Moses: Masterminds rescue of slaves, defies a pharaoh with supernatural help, and wanders around the desert for 40 years. During these 40 years, he talks to a burning bush, creates the Ten Commandments, and kills many Egyptians.
6. Various plagues: Throughout the Old Testament, God gets angry and successfully kills thousands of us.
7. Elijah: Raised the dead, brought fire down from the sky, and ascended into Heaven in a whirlwind...all while riding a chariot of fire.
8. Sodom and Gomorrah: The citizens of these cities were destroyed by "brimstone and fire from the Lord out of Heaven."
9. Destruction of Jericho: Approaching Jericho, Joshua encounters a mysterious man who explains that he is the commander of God’s army but that he is neither for nor against Israel. Joshua pays homage to the man and passes on. Following divine instructions, Joshua leads the Israelites in carrying the Ark around Jericho for six days. On the seventh day, the Israelites march around the city seven times. Joshua rallies them to conquer the city and kill everyone except for a man named Rahab. This right here could make for an awesome movie.
10. Samson: (directly from Wikipedia page) Samson is a Herculean figure, who is granted tremendous strength by God to combat his enemies and perform heroic feats unachievable by ordinary humans:^[4] wrestling a lion,^[3][5][6][7] slaying an entire army with only a donkey jawbone,^{[2][3][6][7][8]} and destroying a temple.^[1][3][7]
11. David: A mere and simple shepard who gets in a fight with a giant and severs his head. He becomes a hero and eventually becomes king. Ultimately, the power becomes to much to handle, and he angers God (a recurring theme in the Old Testament) which leads to his son getting killed.

There are MANY more examples of these "Tales of Testosterone" but I don't feel like looking all of them up. However, if I had my way and owned a movie studio, this is what would happen:

• James Cameron already made Titanic, how about Noah's Ark?
• Roland Emmerich, a man who already has destroyed countless numbers of cities, would be the right man to properly leave Soddom and Gomorrah in a smoldering pile of rubble.
• Michael Bay has a great mixture of dumb humor combined with the CG experience needed to properly destroy the city of Jericho in an entertaining manner.

I'm currently accepting donations. Lets make these cinematic masterpieces happen.

I could totally see Tom Cruise in the role of David. Too bad he's a Scientologist.