Now that I've gotten my promotional considerations out of the way, let me get to the guts of this story. David and I realized after looking around the place, that the walls are completely filled with sports memorabilia, from the likes of the Green Bay Packers and Brett Favre to other nationally themed tributes, such as Tiger Woods, Mark McGwire and Jim Brown. 

At this point David asks me, "You know what would be awesome? What if instead of basically worshiping these people for all of their athletic achievements, what if a restaurant instead put up framed pictures and news articles of all their scandals?"

A revolutionary idea was conceived.

Imagine this: It's Saturday night, and you want to watch the game. You and your buddies walk through the doors of a sports bar to see walls filled with Michael Vick and Tiger Woods. Any "normal" establishment would focus primarily on Michael Vick's days as a NFL phenom or Tiger Woods' dominance in golf.

Not here. Oh, and from this point forward, "here" is now known simply as The Bloody Glove. The Bloody Glove would have an entire wall filled with pictures of Tiger Woods' bruised face, a collage of all women he allegedly slept with, and probably a TV with which I will loop his voicemails to these women and have them transcribed so you, as the customer, can enjoy the downfall of a man who used to be the face of golf, but now has problems even qualifying for tournaments.

We've covered Tiger Woods, but what other athletes could we exploit? I've conveniently made a list of some of the walls David and I plan on having in this restaurant. And yes, there are going to be A LOT of walls at The Bloody Glove. It'll actually be the most architecturally pleasing establishment you've ever been to.

• Brett Favre: Vicodin addiction, alcohol abuse, maybe some retirement drama for good effect.
• Michael Vick: Dog Fighting, airport bong seizure, giving fans the middle finger.
• Barry Bonds: Steroids. A LOT of steroids.
• Roger Clemens: Refer to Barry Bonds.
• Dennis Rodman: I don't even know where to begin.
• Plaxico Burress: Guns don't shoot people, Plaxico Burress shoots people...most notably himself.
• OJ Simpson: "If the glove don't fit, you must acquit." In case you haven't realized yet, that very glove mentioned in Johnnie Cochran's memorable quote is the namesake for this amazing restaurant.
• Michael Phelps: DUI, bong photo.

Clearly we need to apply for a loan as soon as possible.

My roommate Eric and I admittedly were lazy tonight, and didn't feel like cooking anything. Since I was pretty hungry, I decided that I was in the mood for some Hunan Beef from Asian Kitchen. If you know me personally, and stalk my Facebook status updates like you should, you'll remember about a month ago me complaining about how I didn't feel so good the following day after eating Asian Kitchen. One would think that I would have learned my lesson. 

Think again. It turns out that I'm a total dumbass, and against my better judgment agreed to this godforsaken meal thinking that the incident a month prior was merely a fluke.

We placed our order, put on some 30 Rock, and patiently waited for our food to arrive. The problem with Asian Kitchen isn't the price of the food, nor the quality. To put it bluntly, the problem with Asian Kitchen is simply this:

They jam way too much fucking food into the Styrofoam deathtraps they call "Dinner Combos."

Again, the food itself was quite tasty, which explains why all 1.5 pounds or so is currently residing inside of my stomach. Not to mention those 2 eggrolls. Eggrolls may look and sound innocent, but I can assure you, those deep fried bastards pack a devastating punch. Moreover, I have a strong suspicion that mixing Duck Sauce with their blend of spices actually "tricks" your mind and body into thinking that you are enjoying your meal, when in fact, with each passing bite you are slowly killing yourself.

Eric and I watched about 3 episodes of 30 Rock tonight. The first 2.5 episodes were enjoyable, and during that time we were having a nice, quiet evening. The last 15 minutes of episode 3 however is a much different story. If you were to walk in, I would have been found sprawled out and moaning in a comatose state across my couch, with my legs in the adjacent chair, and a glass of water in my hand. I literally thought I could feel the hydrochloric acid inside my stomach attempting to digest its own protective lining. 

In closing, I would just like to just say this. I wish no ill-will upon the fine folks who operate Asian Kitchen; what you guys have given to me over the years is nothing short of spectacular. When it comes to value, taste, and reliability, Asian Kitchen is second to none. But in all seriousness, unless I'm completely, utterly, 100% inebriated beyond the likes of which I haven't been in a long time, I'm going to have to look elsewhere for my late night food fix.

I'm tempted to call in "sick" tomorrow, walk to the park, and be the man in the above photograph.

• I actually started working out again. We'll see how long that lasts.
• The Sopranos and 30 Rock have taken over my life.
• I've become rather obessed with the catchy song "Not Fair" by Lily Allen. I don't care what anybody says.
• Getting drunk while reading random Wikipedia articles has become a pastime of mine.

 I would "like" to be more regular with the updates, but I'm not promising anything. Odds are I'll post another article in a few years. 

Need I say more?

When we rolled into the bar around 1:30am, I noticed what appeared to be a man in his mid-twenties, drinking by himself. Just wanting to be nice, I decide to strike up a conversation with him. It turns out his name is JP, and he has a great interest in theology and sociology. Assuming I'm just going to hear the ramblings of a drunk college student...which is never a bad thing, I decide to humor him.

However, what I was about to hear has been engraved in my mind, and for the past 2 days, I can't get it out of my head.

With no introduction at all, JP busts out the big guns metaphorically and 20 seconds into this mind blowing conversation, he pulls out an introduction that any "nerd" couldn't resist, and that simply is this:

"Jesse, what are your thoughts on The Force?"

Not sure what quite to say to this, I do my best Liam Neeson impersonation and simply reply with: "According to Star Wars lore, The Force binds all of us together, it can control our actions and our destiny." JP nodded his head with approval, but interjected with another metaphoric round house kick to my admittedly drunk mind. "Jesse, I'm prepared to tell you the truth about not only Star Wars, but the real world...in this galaxy." 

What you are about to read is the exact tale that JP described to me. I actually researched the validity of his claims, and they are obviously false, but the fact that this man was sitting alone in a bar thinking this stuff up while my friends and I JUST HAPPEN to roll in to listen to this story is no accident, and is quite possibly fate. 

According to JP, when George Lucas, the writer/director/producer of Star Wars was in college, he had a professor that was a member of the Knights Templar. Allegedly, the Knights Templar actually originated in ancient Egypt, and the founding fathers strongly believed in the idea of a force that connects our thoughts, feelings, actions, and emotions, along with environmental phenomenon, such as the seasons and rising/setting of the Sun. These people called this force "The Net" and for over 200 years, believing in The Net and basing your life around the power of it made them sacred. In JP's eloquent words, "the leader of The Net, the Muhammad or Jesus if you will, was a pointy-eared dwarf named Yooda." JP also stated that "Dwarves were a minority in ancient Egypt, and were highly persecuted", so by worshiping an Egyptian dwarf named Yooda with pointy ears, and putting your prejudices aside, that made you a true follower of The Net, and granted you the ability to achieve supernatural ability. These abilities allegedly included inhuman strength, increased cognitive ability, and advanced technological intuition. Taking that all into account, JP claims to believe that this tight knit group of followers were actually responsible for building the pyramids. "How else could something so perfect, so beautiful, so utterly geometrically sublime be created by men with mere tools?" He goes on to state that because of the threat they posed to the Pharaoh, The Net started getting systematically exterminated, and ironically enough, a few of whom were mistaken for Moses' "people." With 3/4 of The Net ruthlessly slaughtered by Egyptians, the remaining few, known as "The High Council" traveled with Moses for 40 years in the desert.

At this point, JP's story tapers off since the bar was about to close, but essentially this is what he ended on:

• The High Council lived in secrecy for thousands of years; their descendants carried on their heritage.
• George Lucas' professor, who I wasn't able to find online, allegedly is a direct descendant of this lineage.
• Instead of using lightsabers, the followers of The Net used daggers that were tapered with energy from the Sun.
• If you take one of these rare daggers to a pyramid in Egypt, you will witness phenomenon, such as color change and high temperature peaks.

Egyptian?

1. Steak
2. Beer
3. Bear Grylls

However, if you want to experience a truly marvelous evening, I highly recommend combining these gems together into what I call "A Collaboration of Glory." Tonight I seasoned a steak perfectly, with the best blend of spices and herbs, and created a balance of taste euphoria that until this moment, only my dad has mastered. While I have a documented obsession with Long Island Iced Tea,  I'm taking a little break (about 4 days) from the hard liquor. However, on this historic night, water or even Eric's amazing Kool-Aid (pending blog post coming, I promise) would not suffice. No, tonight I was having beer. Since I didn't have my favorite beer on hand (Franziskaner) I had to drink Miller Genuine Draft. And finally, it only seemed fitting that after having such an epic meal and beverage combo, I could only watch the most epic show conceived, Man vs. Wild, starring one of my idols (and a Brit who I have a man-crush on) Bear Grylls.

Preparation

Finished Product

Thank you Alison

Easily one of the most satisfying Dinner and Shows I've ever experienced.

I literally have 45 hours of this stuff, and it puts me in the mindset to destroy things. 

I will allow myself this weekend to be lazy, but this is what's going to happen on Monday, December 28th:

1. Run at least 5 miles per week.
2. Get of my ass and lift every other day.

New Years Resolutions never work, so I'm starting this process now, in the current year.

My goal is simple: By the time I return to Copper Falls this May, (The Most Magical and Sacred Place on Earth) I will have regained my former glory, and the man you see below will have finally returned. I would feel unworthy to be in such a place otherwise.

Never forget.

However, that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to rant about the other tenants who live upstairs.

While they aren't a nuisance, intrusive, or violent, (even though the two dudes wearing trench coats may in fact be fugitives) they do certain things that cause me anger weekly. A few are listed below:

• Our place is older, so I'm guessing the water heater is shared. This means that there is a possibility of my preferred hot showers becoming blisteringly cold. I accept that. However, EVERY TIME I shower, I have to perform strategic maneuvers to maintain my hot water. Normally I get in there, and it's fine for like 3-5 minutes. Soon after however, I find myself on the other end of the bathtub muttering obscenities.
• During the course of a given day, the clogging of their boots causes Eric and I each to take a moment to recognize that we may in fact be living below soldiers from the Confederate Army. In the mornings and evenings, which I hypothesize are when they are getting up and coming home from wherever it is they go during the day, the deafening sounds of footsteps is utterly amazing.
• Late at night, normally around 11:30, we've heard rumblings and commotion the likes of which is only comparable to the stampede from the cinematic classic Jumanji. When I first moved in, I assumed the first few times were them simply arranging furniture. As the weeks added up, I suspected it was my neighbors having wild sex. However, since I haven't encountered a female upstairs before, the only logical and/or plausible solutions I'm left with are that they are either in fact actual animals, or my apartment complex is haunted.

To further illustrate this trend (and also because I wanted to kill some time at work) I made this chart from actual data that I collected last Tuesday.

 Exhibit A

If you look at last Tuesday's data, I have formulated the following scientific models.

1. Shower use: First of all, they must be the cleanest people on earth. Furthermore, I'm convinced that if I were to take a shower at 4am, they would somehow feel the need to do the same.
2. Boot clogging: When you take into account the pacing, I may be living below either a novelist experiencing writers block, or a madman conteplating his future injustices.
3. Miscellaneous Noises: I still have reason to believe that this place is haunted.

In conclusion, these people were obviously raised in a barn.

Exact replication of me taking a shower if I was 40 years old and hairy.

• News articles
• Videos
• Pictures
• Random things that make me chuckle
• Maybe the nude photos of myself that I promised a long time ago

And yes, I'm aware that December 12, 2009 is in fact tomorrow.

• Cincinnati receiver Chad Ochocinco said Wednesday he might steal the motorcycle of Minnesota’s game-day mascot, Ragnar, if he scores a touchdown in Sunday’s game at the Metrodome. Ragnar himself had a playful (I think) response when contacted by the Star Tribune’s Mark Craig. 
  http://espn.go.com/blog/nfcnorth/post/_/id/7208/ragnar-ready-to-rumble
• The U.S. Army is moving forward on its ground combat vehicle (GCV) program with an aggressive timeline and highly defined requirements for survivability, mobility and versatility.
  http://defensetech.org/2009/12/08/us-armys-new-combat-vehicle/
• What do you think? Will 2012 be the end of the world, will it be the start of a new era or will it just be another normal day? While you think of a response check out some of these awesome poster designs in honor or the 2012 phenomenon!
  http://www.nextdayflyers.com/blog/30-apocalyptically-awesome-poster-designs-for-2012/
• The tiny spectral tarsier, one of the shortest and most primitive primates in the world, is caught on camera hunting at night in the jungle of Sulawesi, Indonesia. The tarsier stands 13cm (five inches) tall and has massive eyes that enable it to see in the dark. It belongs to the only group of carnivorous primates.
  http://news.bbc.co.uk/earth/hi/earth_news/newsid_8404000/8404535.stm
• A lot of stadiums around the world have the finest design and they give pride to the countries where they are located. Yet there are some stadiums where architects have failed and there are some very clever adaptations to the surrounding landscape and that makes them kinda weird.
  http://www.thisblogrules.com/2009/12/12-worlds-weirdest-stadiums.html
• New Bug Spray Forces Insects To See People As Human Beings With Feelings.
  http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/new_bug_spray_forces?utm_source=onion_rss_daily 

F*ck Winter
Disclose.tv Coolest Clock Ever? Video

Irish Car Bomb Float