Jesse's JournalJesse's Journalhttp://www.zakshesky.com/journal/2010-02-23T19:26:37ZSquarespaceWhat You Wearn't Taught In Schoolhttp://www.zakshesky.com/journal/2010/2/22/what-you-wearnt-taught-in-school.htmlJesse Zakshesky2010-02-22T19:29:42Z2010-02-22T19:29:42ZSaturday, February 20th, 2010 started out like a normal weekend night for 3 individuals in their early 20's. Myself plus two friends did a little bar hopping and generally had a great time discussing sports, women, and food. While walking from bar to bar, we encountered highly interesting individuals, but none of whom were more interesting than a man I met at a bar called Hawks.

When we rolled into the bar around 1:30am, I noticed what appeared to be a man in his mid-twenties, drinking by himself. Just wanting to be nice, I decide to strike up a conversation with him. It turns out his name is JP, and he has a great interest in theology and sociology. Assuming I'm just going to hear the ramblings of a drunk college student...which is never a bad thing, I decide to humor him.

However, what I was about to hear has been engraved in my mind, and for the past 2 days, I can't get it out of my head.

With no introduction at all, JP busts out the big guns metaphorically and 20 seconds into this mind blowing conversation, he pulls out an introduction that any "nerd" couldn't resist, and that simply is this:

"Jesse, what are your thoughts on The Force?"

Not sure what quite to say to this, I do my best Liam Neeson impersonation and simply reply with: "According to Star Wars lore, The Force binds all of us together, it can control our actions and our destiny." JP nodded his head with approval, but interjected with another metaphoric round house kick to my admittedly drunk mind. "Jesse, I'm prepared to tell you the truth about not only Star Wars, but the real world...in this galaxy." 

What you are about to read is the exact tale that JP described to me. I actually researched the validity of his claims, and they are obviously false, but the fact that this man was sitting alone in a bar thinking this stuff up while my friends and I JUST HAPPEN to roll in to listen to this story is no accident, and is quite possibly fate. 

According to JP, when George Lucas, the writer/director/producer of Star Wars was in college, he had a professor that was a member of the Knights Templar. Allegedly, the Knights Templar actually originated in ancient Egypt, and the founding fathers strongly believed in the idea of a force that connects our thoughts, feelings, actions, and emotions, along with environmental phenomenon, such as the seasons and rising/setting of the Sun. These people called this force "The Net" and for over 200 years, believing in The Net and basing your life around the power of it made them sacred. In JP's eloquent words, "the leader of The Net, the Muhammad or Jesus if you will, was a pointy-eared dwarf named Yooda." JP also stated that "Dwarves were a minority in ancient Egypt, and were highly persecuted", so by worshiping an Egyptian dwarf named Yooda with pointy ears, and putting your prejudices aside, that made you a true follower of The Net, and granted you the ability to achieve supernatural ability. These abilities allegedly included inhuman strength, increased cognitive ability, and advanced technological intuition. Taking that all into account, JP claims to believe that this tight knit group of followers were actually responsible for building the pyramids. "How else could something so perfect, so beautiful, so utterly geometrically sublime be created by men with mere tools?" He goes on to state that because of the threat they posed to the Pharaoh, The Net started getting systematically exterminated, and ironically enough, a few of whom were mistaken for Moses' "people." With 3/4 of The Net ruthlessly slaughtered by Egyptians, the remaining few, known as "The High Council" traveled with Moses for 40 years in the desert.

At this point, JP's story tapers off since the bar was about to close, but essentially this is what he ended on:

  • The High Council lived in secrecy for thousands of years; their descendants carried on their heritage.
  • George Lucas' professor, who I wasn't able to find online, allegedly is a direct descendant of this lineage.
  • Instead of using lightsabers, the followers of The Net used daggers that were tapered with energy from the Sun.
  • If you take one of these rare daggers to a pyramid in Egypt, you will witness phenomenon, such as color change and high temperature peaks.

 

Egyptian?




]]>Absolutely the most hilarious video I've ever seen in my lifehttp://www.zakshesky.com/journal/2010/1/17/absolutely-the-most-hilarious-video-ive-ever-seen-in-my-life.htmlJesse Zakshesky2010-01-18T04:29:00Z2010-01-18T04:29:00ZI don't really have words to describe this.

]]>My Newest Traditionhttp://www.zakshesky.com/journal/2010/1/5/my-newest-tradition.htmlJesse Zakshesky2010-01-05T06:37:19Z2010-01-05T06:37:19ZThere are three things that individually are great:

  1. Steak
  2. Beer
  3. Bear Grylls

However, if you want to experience a truly marvelous evening, I highly recommend combining these gems together into what I call "A Collaboration of Glory." Tonight I seasoned a steak perfectly, with the best blend of spices and herbs, and created a balance of taste euphoria that until this moment, only my dad has mastered. While I have a documented obsession with Long Island Iced Tea,  I'm taking a little break (about 4 days) from the hard liquor. However, on this historic night, water or even Eric's amazing Kool-Aid (pending blog post coming, I promise) would not suffice. No, tonight I was having beer. Since I didn't have my favorite beer on hand (Franziskaner) I had to drink Miller Genuine Draft. And finally, it only seemed fitting that after having such an epic meal and beverage combo, I could only watch the most epic show conceived, Man vs. Wild, starring one of my idols (and a Brit who I have a man-crush on) Bear Grylls.

Preparation

Finished Product

Thank you Alison

Easily one of the most satisfying Dinner and Shows I've ever experienced.

 

]]>December 28th: The Day of Reckoninghttp://www.zakshesky.com/journal/2009/12/26/december-28th-the-day-of-reckoning.htmlJesse Zakshesky2009-12-27T01:05:36Z2009-12-27T01:05:36ZSimply put, over the past few months I have become a lazy bum. I used to work out, run, and stay in decent shape. The feeling of going to bed with my core literally on fire is indescribable, and correlates to the best sleep ever. However, lately I have become a shell of my former self. All I seem to do is lay around and eat flavored crackers. Last summer I worked out at least once a day, and generally enjoyed doing it. Furthermore, while lifting weights or going for a run, I would listen to epic orchestra music with the perfect amount of "monk choir." Below you'll hear an example of such music:

I literally have 45 hours of this stuff, and it puts me in the mindset to destroy things. 

I will allow myself this weekend to be lazy, but this is what's going to happen on Monday, December 28th:

  1. Run at least 5 miles per week.
  2. Get of my ass and lift every other day.

New Years Resolutions never work, so I'm starting this process now, in the current year.

My goal is simple: By the time I return to Copper Falls this May, (The Most Magical and Sacred Place on Earth) I will have regained my former glory, and the man you see below will have finally returned. I would feel unworthy to be in such a place otherwise.

Never forget.


]]>"What the hell is going on up there?!"http://www.zakshesky.com/journal/2009/12/21/what-the-hell-is-going-on-up-there.htmlJesse Zakshesky2009-12-21T14:59:46Z2009-12-21T14:59:46ZMy roommate Eric and I have been living at our apartment for a good 4 months or so. Considering the fact that we got a good deal on the place even though we started looking WAY too late, I can't have too many justifiable complaints about the actual apartment.

However, that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to rant about the other tenants who live upstairs.

While they aren't a nuisance, intrusive, or violent, (even though the two dudes wearing trench coats may in fact be fugitives) they do certain things that cause me anger weekly. A few are listed below:

  • Our place is older, so I'm guessing the water heater is shared. This means that there is a possibility of my preferred hot showers becoming blisteringly cold. I accept that. However, EVERY TIME I shower, I have to perform strategic maneuvers to maintain my hot water. Normally I get in there, and it's fine for like 3-5 minutes. Soon after however, I find myself on the other end of the bathtub muttering obscenities.
  • During the course of a given day, the clogging of their boots causes Eric and I each to take a moment to recognize that we may in fact be living below soldiers from the Confederate Army. In the mornings and evenings, which I hypothesize are when they are getting up and coming home from wherever it is they go during the day, the deafening sounds of footsteps is utterly amazing.
  • Late at night, normally around 11:30, we've heard rumblings and commotion the likes of which is only comparable to the stampede from the cinematic classic Jumanji. When I first moved in, I assumed the first few times were them simply arranging furniture. As the weeks added up, I suspected it was my neighbors having wild sex. However, since I haven't encountered a female upstairs before, the only logical and/or plausible solutions I'm left with are that they are either in fact actual animals, or my apartment complex is haunted.

To further illustrate this trend (and also because I wanted to kill some time at work) I made this chart from actual data that I collected last Tuesday.

 Exhibit A

If you look at last Tuesday's data, I have formulated the following scientific models.

  1. Shower use: First of all, they must be the cleanest people on earth. Furthermore, I'm convinced that if I were to take a shower at 4am, they would somehow feel the need to do the same.
  2. Boot clogging: When you take into account the pacing, I may be living below either a novelist experiencing writers block, or a madman conteplating his future injustices.
  3. Miscellaneous Noises: I still have reason to believe that this place is haunted.

In conclusion, these people were obviously raised in a barn.

Exact replication of me taking a shower if I was 40 years old and hairy.

 

 

 

]]>Weekly Internet Travels (12/6/09-12/12/09)http://www.zakshesky.com/journal/2009/12/11/weekly-internet-travels-12609-121209.htmlJesse Zakshesky2009-12-11T20:28:30Z2009-12-11T20:28:30ZI'll be honest, while I thoroughly enjoy maintaining this website, I enjoy wasting countless hours on the internet more. This recurring phenomenon is precisely why I plan on posting a new "Weekly Internet Travels" entry on Fridays or Saturdays. In essence, this will be a roundup and depository of THE MANY THINGS I find during the week. Examples may include, but are not limited to:

  • News articles
  • Videos
  • Pictures
  • Random things that make me chuckle
  • Maybe the nude photos of myself that I promised a long time ago

And yes, I'm aware that December 12, 2009 is in fact tomorrow.

F*ck Winter
Disclose.tv Coolest Clock Ever? Video

Irish Car Bomb Float

 

 

]]>The Old Testament: Embodiment of Badasseryhttp://www.zakshesky.com/journal/2009/12/7/the-old-testament-embodiment-of-badassery.htmlJesse Zakshesky2009-12-07T17:34:35Z2009-12-07T17:34:35ZLet me preface this entry by stating that I'm not peddling religion at all. The goal of this article is not to advocate Christianity, but merely to summarize the Old Testament...quite possibly the most action packed, balls-to-the-wall collection of stories ever written. There are many reasons as to why the Bible is the top selling piece of literature of all time, however if it wasn't for the Old Testament, it would lose the majority of its muster. Since there really isn't one, let me create a Table of Contents to further exemplify and organize my personal favorites:

  1. Adam and Eve: 2 semi-naked individuals living in a beautiful forest...with Satan masquerading as a talking snake.
  2. Cain and Abel: Humanity's first reported acts of jealousy and murder.
  3. Tower of Babel: Mankind's failed attempt to build a tower high enough to reach Heaven.
  4. Noah: 500 year old man builds giant boat because the ENTIRE PLANET IS FLOODED.
  5. Moses: Masterminds rescue of slaves, defies a pharaoh with supernatural help, and wanders around the desert for 40 years. During these 40 years, he talks to a burning bush, creates the Ten Commandments, and kills many Egyptians.
  6. Various plagues: Throughout the Old Testament, God gets angry and successfully kills thousands of us.
  7. Elijah: Raised the dead, brought fire down from the sky, and ascended into Heaven in a whirlwind...all while riding a chariot of fire.
  8. Sodom and Gomorrah: The citizens of these cities were destroyed by "brimstone and fire from the Lord out of Heaven."
  9. Destruction of Jericho: Approaching Jericho, Joshua encounters a mysterious man who explains that he is the commander of God’s army but that he is neither for nor against Israel. Joshua pays homage to the man and passes on. Following divine instructions, Joshua leads the Israelites in carrying the Ark around Jericho for six days. On the seventh day, the Israelites march around the city seven times. Joshua rallies them to conquer the city and kill everyone except for a man named Rahab. This right here could make for an awesome movie.
  10. Samson: (directly from Wikipedia page) Samson is a Herculean figure, who is granted tremendous strength by God to combat his enemies and perform heroic feats unachievable by ordinary humans:[4] wrestling a lion,[3][5][6][7] slaying an entire army with only a donkey jawbone,[2][3][6][7][8] and destroying a temple.[1][3][7]
  11. David: A mere and simple shepard who gets in a fight with a giant and severs his head. He becomes a hero and eventually becomes king. Ultimately, the power becomes to much to handle, and he angers God (a recurring theme in the Old Testament) which leads to his son getting killed.

There are MANY more examples of these "Tales of Testosterone" but I don't feel like looking all of them up. However, if I had my way and owned a movie studio, this is what would happen:

  • James Cameron already made Titanic, how about Noah's Ark?
  • Roland Emmerich, a man who already has destroyed countless numbers of cities, would be the right man to properly leave Soddom and Gomorrah in a smoldering pile of rubble.
  • Michael Bay has a great mixture of dumb humor combined with the CG experience needed to properly destroy the city of Jericho in an entertaining manner.

I'm currently accepting donations. Lets make these cinematic masterpieces happen.

I could totally see Tom Cruise in the role of David. Too bad he's a Scientologist.

 

]]>IT adventures (Volume One)http://www.zakshesky.com/journal/2009/11/23/it-adventures-volume-one.htmlJesse Zakshesky2009-11-23T17:47:18Z2009-11-23T17:47:18ZI recently got hired as a Computer Systems Administration intern at a school district. I generally enjoy my job and am learning quite a bit about the ins and outs of running a large-scale network. However, one week into my job there, and I have already formulated the following question about a number of my coworkers:

How did these people graduate with a degree from college?

Okay, I understand that not everyone is tech-savvy, or competent with computers, and frankly, that means job security for me. However, a somewhat computer literate staff makes the roles of the IT department much, much easier. Ultimately, it's my job to keep the school-operated computers up to date (which is a challenge because of school board funding, or lack thereof) and connected to vital network resources such as file and print servers.

Keyword on MY job.

A typical staff member I work with.My first tale took place last week when a woman who teaches science had the "brilliant" idea of installing video software that would allow her kids to see interactive videos of birds or some such nonsense. That normally would be fine, because my boss or me would install the software in her free period and that would be that, no problem at all. She however insisted she was able to do it herself and decided to install the software on all the machines in the science lab. Again, whatever, not a huge deal I guess, because normally when something goes horribly wrong, we'll just reimage the machines to their previous state. However, to do that, we usually need network access and the ability to type a few simple commands. What she instead installed was a virus infested conglomeration the likes of which I've never seen before in my entire life and it actually rendered keyboards inoperable. By having to completely reinstall Windows on every computer in that lab to simply be able to reimage those machines took approxiamately 6 hours instead of the normal ONE that is usually required in such situations.

Lets just say that she no longer has access to install programs anymore.

Another humorous incident that I may have told a few of you was last Wednesday, when the Spanish teacher decided to install Roseta Stone software so the kids could have access to video clips and language tutorials. I would like to take this oppurtunity to raise a question to my American audience (this website is actually HUGE in Africa):

Q: What country do you live in, and what is the primary language that is spoken in said country?

A: I live in the United States of America, and the majority of its residents speak English.

Yeah, that's what I thought too. So one would assume that when she placed the order for the program, she would order the software package that is written in English WHICH TEACHES Spanish. But no, as you may be guessing right now, she actually ordered software that is based in Spanish and teaches English.

She should actually teach a class about clever and exciting ways to waste money.

I only will be working here for a few months, but I can already tell that this will not be the only volume of IT Adventues. May God have mercy on my soul.

]]>You're welcome.http://www.zakshesky.com/journal/2009/11/12/youre-welcome.htmlJesse Zakshesky2009-11-12T21:21:26Z2009-11-12T21:21:26ZI recently got tired about how utterly repulsive my first design looked. It reminded me of some dark days from my youth in which I tried to draw. As my fancy new banner says, my design is still not finalized. However, since you are still reading the mindless stupidity that I spew, I feel that it's only right to reward you with a gift.

The following video is me, 2 summers ago, attempting to dance.

]]>Ford Taurus: An everlasting gift to mankindhttp://www.zakshesky.com/journal/2009/11/10/ford-taurus-an-everlasting-gift-to-mankind.htmlJesse Zakshesky2009-11-10T23:04:43Z2009-11-10T23:04:43ZHaving a car you enjoy driving can be a big confidence boost. That is why whenever I roll up in my '98 Ford Taurus, I feel like a total badass. You may be thinking, "Jesse, your car is almost 12 years old, has no power locks, and a cassette deck...how can you possibly enjoy driving it?" Well my misinformed friend, the fact of the matter is this; cruising down the freeway at nearly 90mph may be fun in your Camaros, GTOs, or "any vehicle with the word HEMI in it" because you crippled your credit to buy it. However, you have no idea how liberating it feels to be 21 years old driving a Ford Taurus, while passing some dude enduring his midlife crisis who has a personalized plate with the letters "SPDDMN" on his refurbished hotrod. Watching that man's jaw literally drop as I pass him on the left never gets old.

I don't necessarily condone speeding or anything, but lets be honest, some drivers simply have it coming to them. If I see a biker obnoxiously revving his engine next to me at a red light, I can't help but get some competitive juices flowing. For real, do you really need a vehicle that has 300+ horsepower, when the majority of its use will be to drive your kids to soccer games, or to buy food at the local grocery store?

No, what you should instead do is invest your hard earned money in a Ford Taurus. And if you feel that you must have all the technological features in it, merely to fuel your "inner badass," I recommend the 2010 model.

In closing, let me end on this uplifiting note. If you ever want to prove yourself, or your crappy car for that matter, let me know. My Ford Taurus and I, frankly, will wipe the asphalt with you.

If God drove a car, it would be a Ford Taurus.

 

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