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Wednesday
Nov042009

The Hip-Hop Industry: over-sexed or under-fed?

I live in Madison, Wisconsin, and I generally love this city. To name a few highlights:

  • Big city feel in a friendly environment
  • Many things to do
  • Amazing parks/bike trails

However, there is one thing that needs to be improved about Madison, and that is its RADIO STATIONS. There is honestly a good mixture of rock, oldies, hip-hop, and pop. The only problem is, the lineup generally sucks. However, since my Zune got stolen last summer, and when I get tired of When you see a man like this, looks can be deceiving.listening to ESPN Radio and NPR, I've been forced to listen the local stations lately...with interesting results. I usually hit the "scan" button to avoid listening to the mind numbingly stupid jingles, so when I come across a song that is mildly catchy, or has a decent beat, I usually listen. Lately, I've noticed that I've been listening to a lot of 93.1 now, which plays only hip-hop. After listening to a lot of this, I have come to the following theory with which I'm going to share with you:

Not including sex, killing, fights, and jewelery, there is one theme that is generally intertwined within hip-hop...the Inner City's love for food.

To prove my point, below are a few examples:

  1. Ying Yang Twins: Salt Shaker
  2. Kelis: Milkshake
  3. T-Pain: Apple Bottom Jeans
  4. DJ Aligator: Lollipop
  5. 69 Boyz: Tootsie Roll

And those are just some songs with food in the actual title. If you sit down for like a week, and listen to strictly hip-hop, I guarantee the odds of you not wanting to dance and eat a meal afterwards is incredibly, incredibly slim. 

QUESTION: Who is likely to endorse fast food chains?

ANSWER: Hip-hop artists, or other celebrities with hip-hop playing in the background.

Do you know why that music is usually played? Because it makes your mind crave burgers. That's why I plead to you to not scoff or think badly of the average thug on the street...but to instead offer him a Whooper. Deep down, that's all he truly desires.

A public service announcement from Jesse Zakshesky.

Thursday
Oct292009

Alex Trebek, you make life so much easier.

I thought I'd spice things up a little bit by changing my cell phone ringtones. Close your eyes and imagine yourself having a stressful day, and you really don't feel like talking to the same idiot who calls you all the time. When he/she inevitably dials you up later on, you are presented with 2 very simple options:

  1. Answer the call 
  2. Listen to the entire Jeopardy song while you ponder your friendship.

Alex Trebek, an American (even though he's Canadian) Hero.

 

Tuesday
Oct272009

Last Sunday: The day I almost burned my house down

I typically go home on Sundays for 3 reasons:

  1. I can't cook
  2. I love football
  3. My parents are pretty tight

My parents made a delicious steak dinner, and after experiencing #1 and #2 on the above list, I decided that I would be "the good son" and offer to do some dishes while they left to run some errands. Doing dishes, as annoying as it may be, really isn't that bad of a chore, however, I really wanted to watch football (actually, I just wanted to see Chad Ochocinco and Cedric "Crack Rock" Benson), and decided instead to do a half-assed job. With my hurry to get back to watching that game, instead of soaking the pan with hot water which is normal protocol, I thought it would be beneficial to put a little water in the pan and place it on my stove over high heat. 

In retrospect, this wasn't the wisest choice.

Not only did I make that mistake, I also really had to go to the bathroom, and left the kitchen for about 5 minutes.

This mistake just got A LOT worse.

After "doing what I had to do" in the bathroom, I hear what sounds like an EKG machine going haywire. I open the bathroom door to see the house that I spent the last 7 years of my life under a cloud of smoke. After my internal thoughts filled with vulgarities, I somehow remembered my 4th grade fire safety seminar tips (which is surprising because back then, I usually fell asleep, or launched spit wads at girls who I thought had cooties) which told me to smother the fire with baking soda. After I find our baking soda, I rip open the box and quickly pour it over the fire. Looking back on it however, I poured that baking soda A LITTLE TOO QUICK because I got it all over me. Covered in white powder, I thankfully put out the fire. That wasn't the end of my problems though. My next step was to get rid of the smoke, and quite frankly, I was eager to do it before my parents got home. "Adults" normally don't burn down houses, so I really wanted to avoid that fun discussion. Unfortunately for me, as I was swiftly opening doors and windows, my dad walks in, sees a roomful of smoke, and his kid covered in white powder.

Dad: "Jesse, we were gone for 30 minutes, what happened?"

Jesse: "Nothing much, just almost burned the house down, no big deal."

If you ever want me to cook for you, or to do your housework, let me know.

Monday
Oct262009

Long Island Iced Tea: My drink of choice

I would like to take this opportunity to formally announce to the world that I, Jesse Zakshesky, at the ripe age of 21 years old, can safely say that I have finally found the crowned jewel of alcoholic beverages, a drink that I anticipate enjoying for the duration of my life, and friends, that drink would be a refreshing Long Island Iced Tea.

For those of you who have yet to experience one of these delectable delicacies, here's the entire wikipedia article for you to gaze upon:

Long Island Iced Tea is a highball made with, among other ingredients, vodkagintequila, and rum. A popular version mixes equal parts vodka, gin, tequila, rum and triple sec with 1 1/2 parts sour mix and a splash of cola. Most variants use equal parts of the main liquors but include a smaller amount of triple sec (or other orange-flavored liquor). Close variants often replace the sour mix with sweet and sour mix or with lemon juice, the cola with actual iced tea, or add white creme de menthe; however, most variants do not include any tea, despite the name of the drink. Some restaurants substitute brandy for the tequila.

The drink has a much higher alcohol concentration (~28%) than most highballs because of the proportionally small amount of mixer. Long islands can be ordered "extra long" which signals the bartender to even further increase the alcohol to mixer ratio.

Outside of the United States, this highball is often altered, due to the unpopularity of sour mix[citation needed]. Long Island Iced Tea served outside the States is often made of liquors and cola alone (without sour mix), with lemon or lime juice, orange juice or with lime cordial.

In the UK Angostura bitters replaces sour mix in the cocktail.

You can also buy a premade mix at any liquor retailer, sold by Captain Morgan. However, as my roommate Eric can attest to, they are supposed to be mixed with actual ice tea or soda, with a little sour (typically lemon juice). Apparently the way I drink it, which is to pour a large glass, and adding some ice, is not appealing to him.

Eric: "My god, that tastes like paint thinner."

If you are like me however, you will fall in love with this tantalizing drink, and will want to make it at home. The short video below shows you how.



 

 

Saturday
Oct242009

My first (of many) rant(s).

It's 3:30am and I'm sprawled out in my amazingly comfortable bed with a stomach full of cereal. One would think that the next justifiable activity that I would partake in would consist of me drifting asleep and having dreams about unicorns or some such nonsense. Unfortunately for me, instead of unicorns running through my head, I have another childish fantasy engulfing my mind. The truth is, I'm laying here listening to my next door neighbor compare  the breast sizes of his ex-girlfriend and his 3rd grade teacher...LOUDLY. Don't get me wrong, this kind of intellectual comparison is very interesting to me, and normally, I would be all ears. Right now however, I'm more inclined to vandalize his doorway with oversized bras.