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Friday
Dec112009

Weekly Internet Travels (12/6/09-12/12/09)

I'll be honest, while I thoroughly enjoy maintaining this website, I enjoy wasting countless hours on the internet more. This recurring phenomenon is precisely why I plan on posting a new "Weekly Internet Travels" entry on Fridays or Saturdays. In essence, this will be a roundup and depository of THE MANY THINGS I find during the week. Examples may include, but are not limited to:

  • News articles
  • Videos
  • Pictures
  • Random things that make me chuckle
  • Maybe the nude photos of myself that I promised a long time ago

And yes, I'm aware that December 12, 2009 is in fact tomorrow.

F*ck Winter
Disclose.tv Coolest Clock Ever? Video

Irish Car Bomb Float

 

 

Monday
Dec072009

The Old Testament: Embodiment of Badassery

Let me preface this entry by stating that I'm not peddling religion at all. The goal of this article is not to advocate Christianity, but merely to summarize the Old Testament...quite possibly the most action packed, balls-to-the-wall collection of stories ever written. There are many reasons as to why the Bible is the top selling piece of literature of all time, however if it wasn't for the Old Testament, it would lose the majority of its muster. Since there really isn't one, let me create a Table of Contents to further exemplify and organize my personal favorites:

  1. Adam and Eve: 2 semi-naked individuals living in a beautiful forest...with Satan masquerading as a talking snake.
  2. Cain and Abel: Humanity's first reported acts of jealousy and murder.
  3. Tower of Babel: Mankind's failed attempt to build a tower high enough to reach Heaven.
  4. Noah: 500 year old man builds giant boat because the ENTIRE PLANET IS FLOODED.
  5. Moses: Masterminds rescue of slaves, defies a pharaoh with supernatural help, and wanders around the desert for 40 years. During these 40 years, he talks to a burning bush, creates the Ten Commandments, and kills many Egyptians.
  6. Various plagues: Throughout the Old Testament, God gets angry and successfully kills thousands of us.
  7. Elijah: Raised the dead, brought fire down from the sky, and ascended into Heaven in a whirlwind...all while riding a chariot of fire.
  8. Sodom and Gomorrah: The citizens of these cities were destroyed by "brimstone and fire from the Lord out of Heaven."
  9. Destruction of Jericho: Approaching Jericho, Joshua encounters a mysterious man who explains that he is the commander of God’s army but that he is neither for nor against Israel. Joshua pays homage to the man and passes on. Following divine instructions, Joshua leads the Israelites in carrying the Ark around Jericho for six days. On the seventh day, the Israelites march around the city seven times. Joshua rallies them to conquer the city and kill everyone except for a man named Rahab. This right here could make for an awesome movie.
  10. Samson: (directly from Wikipedia page) Samson is a Herculean figure, who is granted tremendous strength by God to combat his enemies and perform heroic feats unachievable by ordinary humans:[4] wrestling a lion,[3][5][6][7] slaying an entire army with only a donkey jawbone,[2][3][6][7][8] and destroying a temple.[1][3][7]
  11. David: A mere and simple shepard who gets in a fight with a giant and severs his head. He becomes a hero and eventually becomes king. Ultimately, the power becomes to much to handle, and he angers God (a recurring theme in the Old Testament) which leads to his son getting killed.

There are MANY more examples of these "Tales of Testosterone" but I don't feel like looking all of them up. However, if I had my way and owned a movie studio, this is what would happen:

  • James Cameron already made Titanic, how about Noah's Ark?
  • Roland Emmerich, a man who already has destroyed countless numbers of cities, would be the right man to properly leave Soddom and Gomorrah in a smoldering pile of rubble.
  • Michael Bay has a great mixture of dumb humor combined with the CG experience needed to properly destroy the city of Jericho in an entertaining manner.

I'm currently accepting donations. Lets make these cinematic masterpieces happen.

I could totally see Tom Cruise in the role of David. Too bad he's a Scientologist.

 

Monday
Nov232009

IT adventures (Volume One)

I recently got hired as a Computer Systems Administration intern at a school district. I generally enjoy my job and am learning quite a bit about the ins and outs of running a large-scale network. However, one week into my job there, and I have already formulated the following question about a number of my coworkers:

How did these people graduate with a degree from college?

Okay, I understand that not everyone is tech-savvy, or competent with computers, and frankly, that means job security for me. However, a somewhat computer literate staff makes the roles of the IT department much, much easier. Ultimately, it's my job to keep the school-operated computers up to date (which is a challenge because of school board funding, or lack thereof) and connected to vital network resources such as file and print servers.

Keyword on MY job.

A typical staff member I work with.My first tale took place last week when a woman who teaches science had the "brilliant" idea of installing video software that would allow her kids to see interactive videos of birds or some such nonsense. That normally would be fine, because my boss or me would install the software in her free period and that would be that, no problem at all. She however insisted she was able to do it herself and decided to install the software on all the machines in the science lab. Again, whatever, not a huge deal I guess, because normally when something goes horribly wrong, we'll just reimage the machines to their previous state. However, to do that, we usually need network access and the ability to type a few simple commands. What she instead installed was a virus infested conglomeration the likes of which I've never seen before in my entire life and it actually rendered keyboards inoperable. By having to completely reinstall Windows on every computer in that lab to simply be able to reimage those machines took approxiamately 6 hours instead of the normal ONE that is usually required in such situations.

Lets just say that she no longer has access to install programs anymore.

Another humorous incident that I may have told a few of you was last Wednesday, when the Spanish teacher decided to install Roseta Stone software so the kids could have access to video clips and language tutorials. I would like to take this oppurtunity to raise a question to my American audience (this website is actually HUGE in Africa):

Q: What country do you live in, and what is the primary language that is spoken in said country?

A: I live in the United States of America, and the majority of its residents speak English.

Yeah, that's what I thought too. So one would assume that when she placed the order for the program, she would order the software package that is written in English WHICH TEACHES Spanish. But no, as you may be guessing right now, she actually ordered software that is based in Spanish and teaches English.

She should actually teach a class about clever and exciting ways to waste money.

I only will be working here for a few months, but I can already tell that this will not be the only volume of IT Adventues. May God have mercy on my soul.

Thursday
Nov122009

You're welcome.

I recently got tired about how utterly repulsive my first design looked. It reminded me of some dark days from my youth in which I tried to draw. As my fancy new banner says, my design is still not finalized. However, since you are still reading the mindless stupidity that I spew, I feel that it's only right to reward you with a gift.

The following video is me, 2 summers ago, attempting to dance.

Tuesday
Nov102009

Ford Taurus: An everlasting gift to mankind

Having a car you enjoy driving can be a big confidence boost. That is why whenever I roll up in my '98 Ford Taurus, I feel like a total badass. You may be thinking, "Jesse, your car is almost 12 years old, has no power locks, and a cassette deck...how can you possibly enjoy driving it?" Well my misinformed friend, the fact of the matter is this; cruising down the freeway at nearly 90mph may be fun in your Camaros, GTOs, or "any vehicle with the word HEMI in it" because you crippled your credit to buy it. However, you have no idea how liberating it feels to be 21 years old driving a Ford Taurus, while passing some dude enduring his midlife crisis who has a personalized plate with the letters "SPDDMN" on his refurbished hotrod. Watching that man's jaw literally drop as I pass him on the left never gets old.

I don't necessarily condone speeding or anything, but lets be honest, some drivers simply have it coming to them. If I see a biker obnoxiously revving his engine next to me at a red light, I can't help but get some competitive juices flowing. For real, do you really need a vehicle that has 300+ horsepower, when the majority of its use will be to drive your kids to soccer games, or to buy food at the local grocery store?

No, what you should instead do is invest your hard earned money in a Ford Taurus. And if you feel that you must have all the technological features in it, merely to fuel your "inner badass," I recommend the 2010 model.

In closing, let me end on this uplifiting note. If you ever want to prove yourself, or your crappy car for that matter, let me know. My Ford Taurus and I, frankly, will wipe the asphalt with you.

If God drove a car, it would be a Ford Taurus.