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What You Wearn't Taught In School

Saturday, February 20th, 2010 started out like a normal weekend night for 3 individuals in their early 20's. Myself plus two friends did a little bar hopping and generally had a great time discussing sports, women, and food. While walking from bar to bar, we encountered highly interesting individuals, but none of whom were more interesting than a man I met at a bar called Hawks.

When we rolled into the bar around 1:30am, I noticed what appeared to be a man in his mid-twenties, drinking by himself. Just wanting to be nice, I decide to strike up a conversation with him. It turns out his name is JP, and he has a great interest in theology and sociology. Assuming I'm just going to hear the ramblings of a drunk college student...which is never a bad thing, I decide to humor him.

However, what I was about to hear has been engraved in my mind, and for the past 2 days, I can't get it out of my head.

With no introduction at all, JP busts out the big guns metaphorically and 20 seconds into this mind blowing conversation, he pulls out an introduction that any "nerd" couldn't resist, and that simply is this:

"Jesse, what are your thoughts on The Force?"

Not sure what quite to say to this, I do my best Liam Neeson impersonation and simply reply with: "According to Star Wars lore, The Force binds all of us together, it can control our actions and our destiny." JP nodded his head with approval, but interjected with another metaphoric round house kick to my admittedly drunk mind. "Jesse, I'm prepared to tell you the truth about not only Star Wars, but the real this galaxy." 

What you are about to read is the exact tale that JP described to me. I actually researched the validity of his claims, and they are obviously false, but the fact that this man was sitting alone in a bar thinking this stuff up while my friends and I JUST HAPPEN to roll in to listen to this story is no accident, and is quite possibly fate. 

According to JP, when George Lucas, the writer/director/producer of Star Wars was in college, he had a professor that was a member of the Knights Templar. Allegedly, the Knights Templar actually originated in ancient Egypt, and the founding fathers strongly believed in the idea of a force that connects our thoughts, feelings, actions, and emotions, along with environmental phenomenon, such as the seasons and rising/setting of the Sun. These people called this force "The Net" and for over 200 years, believing in The Net and basing your life around the power of it made them sacred. In JP's eloquent words, "the leader of The Net, the Muhammad or Jesus if you will, was a pointy-eared dwarf named Yooda." JP also stated that "Dwarves were a minority in ancient Egypt, and were highly persecuted", so by worshiping an Egyptian dwarf named Yooda with pointy ears, and putting your prejudices aside, that made you a true follower of The Net, and granted you the ability to achieve supernatural ability. These abilities allegedly included inhuman strength, increased cognitive ability, and advanced technological intuition. Taking that all into account, JP claims to believe that this tight knit group of followers were actually responsible for building the pyramids. "How else could something so perfect, so beautiful, so utterly geometrically sublime be created by men with mere tools?" He goes on to state that because of the threat they posed to the Pharaoh, The Net started getting systematically exterminated, and ironically enough, a few of whom were mistaken for Moses' "people." With 3/4 of The Net ruthlessly slaughtered by Egyptians, the remaining few, known as "The High Council" traveled with Moses for 40 years in the desert.

At this point, JP's story tapers off since the bar was about to close, but essentially this is what he ended on:

  • The High Council lived in secrecy for thousands of years; their descendants carried on their heritage.
  • George Lucas' professor, who I wasn't able to find online, allegedly is a direct descendant of this lineage.
  • Instead of using lightsabers, the followers of The Net used daggers that were tapered with energy from the Sun.
  • If you take one of these rare daggers to a pyramid in Egypt, you will witness phenomenon, such as color change and high temperature peaks.




Absolutely the most hilarious video I've ever seen in my life

I don't really have words to describe this.


My Newest Tradition

There are three things that individually are great:

  1. Steak
  2. Beer
  3. Bear Grylls

However, if you want to experience a truly marvelous evening, I highly recommend combining these gems together into what I call "A Collaboration of Glory." Tonight I seasoned a steak perfectly, with the best blend of spices and herbs, and created a balance of taste euphoria that until this moment, only my dad has mastered. While I have a documented obsession with Long Island Iced Tea,  I'm taking a little break (about 4 days) from the hard liquor. However, on this historic night, water or even Eric's amazing Kool-Aid (pending blog post coming, I promise) would not suffice. No, tonight I was having beer. Since I didn't have my favorite beer on hand (Franziskaner) I had to drink Miller Genuine Draft. And finally, it only seemed fitting that after having such an epic meal and beverage combo, I could only watch the most epic show conceived, Man vs. Wild, starring one of my idols (and a Brit who I have a man-crush on) Bear Grylls.


Finished Product

Thank you Alison

Easily one of the most satisfying Dinner and Shows I've ever experienced.



December 28th: The Day of Reckoning

Simply put, over the past few months I have become a lazy bum. I used to work out, run, and stay in decent shape. The feeling of going to bed with my core literally on fire is indescribable, and correlates to the best sleep ever. However, lately I have become a shell of my former self. All I seem to do is lay around and eat flavored crackers. Last summer I worked out at least once a day, and generally enjoyed doing it. Furthermore, while lifting weights or going for a run, I would listen to epic orchestra music with the perfect amount of "monk choir." Below you'll hear an example of such music:

I literally have 45 hours of this stuff, and it puts me in the mindset to destroy things. 

I will allow myself this weekend to be lazy, but this is what's going to happen on Monday, December 28th:

  1. Run at least 5 miles per week.
  2. Get of my ass and lift every other day.

New Years Resolutions never work, so I'm starting this process now, in the current year.

My goal is simple: By the time I return to Copper Falls this May, (The Most Magical and Sacred Place on Earth) I will have regained my former glory, and the man you see below will have finally returned. I would feel unworthy to be in such a place otherwise.

Never forget.


"What the hell is going on up there?!"

My roommate Eric and I have been living at our apartment for a good 4 months or so. Considering the fact that we got a good deal on the place even though we started looking WAY too late, I can't have too many justifiable complaints about the actual apartment.

However, that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to rant about the other tenants who live upstairs.

While they aren't a nuisance, intrusive, or violent, (even though the two dudes wearing trench coats may in fact be fugitives) they do certain things that cause me anger weekly. A few are listed below:

  • Our place is older, so I'm guessing the water heater is shared. This means that there is a possibility of my preferred hot showers becoming blisteringly cold. I accept that. However, EVERY TIME I shower, I have to perform strategic maneuvers to maintain my hot water. Normally I get in there, and it's fine for like 3-5 minutes. Soon after however, I find myself on the other end of the bathtub muttering obscenities.
  • During the course of a given day, the clogging of their boots causes Eric and I each to take a moment to recognize that we may in fact be living below soldiers from the Confederate Army. In the mornings and evenings, which I hypothesize are when they are getting up and coming home from wherever it is they go during the day, the deafening sounds of footsteps is utterly amazing.
  • Late at night, normally around 11:30, we've heard rumblings and commotion the likes of which is only comparable to the stampede from the cinematic classic Jumanji. When I first moved in, I assumed the first few times were them simply arranging furniture. As the weeks added up, I suspected it was my neighbors having wild sex. However, since I haven't encountered a female upstairs before, the only logical and/or plausible solutions I'm left with are that they are either in fact actual animals, or my apartment complex is haunted.

To further illustrate this trend (and also because I wanted to kill some time at work) I made this chart from actual data that I collected last Tuesday.

 Exhibit A

If you look at last Tuesday's data, I have formulated the following scientific models.

  1. Shower use: First of all, they must be the cleanest people on earth. Furthermore, I'm convinced that if I were to take a shower at 4am, they would somehow feel the need to do the same.
  2. Boot clogging: When you take into account the pacing, I may be living below either a novelist experiencing writers block, or a madman conteplating his future injustices.
  3. Miscellaneous Noises: I still have reason to believe that this place is haunted.

In conclusion, these people were obviously raised in a barn.

Exact replication of me taking a shower if I was 40 years old and hairy.