The Takedown Of Jesse Zakshesky

The fact that I'm even writing this article is ironic when you take into account that I literally was bragging last night about how I've never been pulled over once. Ever.

It's hilarious how 12 hours can drastically shrink the size of your testicles.

Today, at 12:20pm, I was driving on John Nolen Drive en route to a meeting I had to attend at 12:30. The speed limit was 30mph (which I still think is too slow for that stretch of road, but whatever) and I was doing my normal +5 over the limit. I wasn't in a huge hurry, and at my current rate would have had ample time to park and walk to my destination. 

That was until I got behind "Nanna."

Nanna felt that it was completely acceptable to go 25mph behind a bus that itself was taking its own damn time. I understand that people in their elderly years are a little more careful and can be scared to pass large vehicles. I accept that. However, I'm NOT elderly, and I simply cannot justify going BELOW the speed limit for any considerable amount of time. Pictured below is a gifted artist's replication of the situation that I faced on this fateful day:

Not a dramatization.

So after I performed the maneuver depicted by the red arrows, a move that I will now refer to as "Left Red Shift," I thought my annoying 5 second experience was over.

Wrong.

Once I got by both Nanna and the bus, I glanced over to my right side mirror, admiring the noobs that I just passed. After relishing in what I accomplished, my field of vision redirected itself back to the 2 O'Clock position, where something else caught my eyes: A police officer with a radar gun. 

At this point I figured I was screwed, but for about 2 minutes I didn't see any police cruisers following me...until Broom Street. Once I got in the left turn lane, Officer "Warren" got a hold of me. I knew I was caught, so once I turned left, I figured it was time to concede and promptly pulled off at Bedford and awaited Warren's wrath. Warren and his comrade clocked me at 45mph in a 30 Zone, but apparently Warren and I "bonded" because he felt pity on my soul. Since I didn't act like a douche, and because my record was clean until this point, he only recorded me at +10. I was only docked 3 points on my license, and the ticket is only $88. I honestly really liked Warren, until he noticed when my birthday is and made the following comment:

Officer Warren: "Jesse, I see it is your birthday in a few days, so I'm gonna let you off a little easy so you can have more cash to party, or whatever it is you do with your money."

Warren, how about this? On May 31st, I'll give you a call, and you can come to the bars with me where you'll see me and my friends probably intoxicated beyond comprehension. You and I will then do a few shots, all on your tab of course. That's where you'll see "what I do with my money." Maybe afterwards you can give me a ride back to my apartment. Sounds like an absolutely marvelous night to me.

Honestly, I am looking at this experience with a smile. Nobody got hurt, Warren wasn't a "complete" ass, and I got off pretty easy. Quite frankly, the 88 dollars MORE than pays for all the shenanigans I have pulled in the past, such as street racing, allowing people in my back seat to drink, and perpetually speeding in school zones. 

I'm a somewhat changed man.

Warren's Favorite Show