The 1st Annual Zakshesky Urban Safari

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS INCREDIBLY, INCREDIBLY STUPID. I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE.

In the great state of Wisconsin, during the month of November, thousands upon thousands of men go on a yearly pilgrimage into the woods accompanied by their survival skills, high-powered rifles, and an insatiable thirst for blood (and beer, of course). Their mission is simple: to kill “The Buck.” These hunters take pride in passing down stories of years past, such as traversing secluded forests, and they normally have the same routines every year, which were forged by previous generations. All this history usually leads to stronger family bonds, and these tales inspire younger generations to continue the campaign every fall. It truly is inspiring, and is MUCH more than “a bunch of blood-thirsty rednecks getting drunk while driving ATVs recklessly through northern Wisconsin.” This leads us to me. I would love to take part in this yearly tradition, but let’s be honest, there are three things holding me back.

It’s really early, it’s really cold, and it would be a grave mistake to put a gun in my hands.

However, this does not mean I shouldn’t be able to hunt, and this most certainly does not quench the desire I have to kill some animals. If you are my close friend, and have been to my apartment on various occasions, you know of a certain mythical creature that has been taunting me over the months. I’ve seen this beast a multitude of times over the summer, however, he’s been avoiding me as of late...until 7:30pm on the evening of the 22nd of November. As you’ll see in the blurry photo below, my neighborhood on the east side of Madison is being terrorized by a demonic creature, and if I have my way, he will die.

The true face of evil.

I don’t have any guns, but this does not mean I’m weaponless. Without going into detail on how I obtained it, I have acquired a pitchfork last summer, and already have an extensive collection of knives, axes, and most importantly, hard liquor. There really isn't a reason as to why this disgusting possum has a chance to live. Furthermore, I genuinely believe that we can experience the same enthusiasm and forge our own tradition by killing the savage creatures that roam Suburbia. If you, or anybody you know feels the same urges as I do, I plead with you to join me on my quest. I'm an easy guy to get a hold of.

I will not relinquish until I have spilled blood.