Jesse Zakshesky: April Fool

It may come as no surprise to any of you that April Fools' Day, the (unofficial) national holiday our country celebrates every spring is one of my favorite days of the year. While I admittedly don't play many pranks on my friends and family, largely because it's usually me -- one of the most gullible people to ever walk the earth -- who is typically at the forefront of such shenanigans.

For the past thirteen years or so, companies and organizations that I rely upon everyday have used April Fools' Day as a means to make fun of themselves. Most recently, Netflix has started taking part in this tradition. For quite some time, Netflix has had specific genres to categorize the content that they offer to their instant streaming customers. Over the years, some people, such as me, have made fun of them for creating categories such as "Raunchy Dysfunctional Animated Comedies." While such categories makes finding the latest episodes of South Park extremely easy, my friends and I have enjoyed watching these genres evolve the past couple of months. 

Allow me to explain why I should never make fun of Netflix ever again.

"Movies Starring Fruits, Vegetables and Fungi" - The level of detail regarding genres on @netflix is getting a little out of hand.

— Jesse Zakshesky (@zaksheskyman) April 1, 2013

Not necessarily noticing what Netflix was trying to pull, I posted that tweet. A few hours later however, I found myself doing a double take towards my television.

Seriously, don't watch this shit.

After confirming that Netflix's 2013 prank was to create implausibly specific categories, I realized that I wasn't going insane (see above statement about being one of the most gullible people to ever walk the earth) and decided to immediately stop what I was doing to watch this movie. For those of you who haven't heard of the film, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, "Some Other Guy" was actually Sylvester Stallone. The idea of the mother-son slapstick comedy between Estelle Getty (best known for her portrayal of Sophia Petrillio from The Golden Girls) and Stallone honestly seemed like a decent premise, so I decided to stop watching Opening Day baseball and throw Netflix a bone for a job well done.

That was a mistake.

With the exception of Estelle Getty, who put this production on her back with her adorable little mannerisms, this was the worst movie I've ever seen. In all honesty, this piece of trash COULD have had a chance to be redeemable for children and families because it does, to an extent, promote good family values. Those family values were immediately lost at around the twenty minute mark, when this happened:

Estelle Getty's character, an elderly widow and loving mother, illegally purchased an uzi machine pistol from the back of a van.

Via Wikipedia: 

The film received extremely negative reviews and retains a 4% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, based on 23 reviews. The film found more success on VHS and DVD. (Sylvester) Stallone claimed it was the worst film he ever made. In an interview with Ain't It Cool News, Stallone referred to it as "maybe one of the worst films in the entire solar system, including alien productions we’ve never seen", that "a flatworm could write a better script", and "in some countries – China, I believe – running [the movie] once a week on government television has lowered the birth rate to zero. If they ran it twice a week, I believe in twenty years China would be extinct."

Let's see what Siskel and Ebert had to say:

I don't know what makes me a bigger April Fool: Falling for Netflix's joke or spending 87 minutes of my life watching this atrocity.

Mall Walkers: An American Epidemic

via Wikipedia:

Mall walking is a form of exercise in which people walk or jog through the usually long corridors of shopping malls. Many malls open early so that people may mall walk, however stores and other such facilities generally do not open at this time. Many choose to mall walk as the indoor climate is comfortable and there is easy access to restrooms.

Mall walking is undertaken individually, in groups, or as part of an organized mall walking program. Mall walking in the United States is especially popular amongst senior citizens."

I was recently in dire need of brake service for my car. Seeing as though I have had great luck with Sears Automotive over the years with regards to walk-ins because of their flexible hours, and because they are typically within close proximity to shopping malls, I chose them because I would have somewhere to go for a few hours while I await the eventual return of my car keys.

It was very early in the morning, and I was in desperate need of food. After confirming with the Sears associate that the food court was in fact open at 8am, I made my way towards the smell of what appeared to be a nourishing breakfast.

In all actuality, the only venue open at such an hour is McDonalds, so my desire for a "nourishing" breakfast never came to fruition.

However, I gathered up my coffee and McGriddle combo meal (which to this day, the science behind these things baffle me) and sat down amongst an incredibly old crowd. Let me say this:

On this particular morning at this particular mall, I was the youngest person by about 35 years. While eating my breakfast, I happened to look around, and saw hordes of senior citizens power walking around me, almost as if they were planets orbiting a sun.

What I learned today: Senior citizens, traveling in packs, come to food courts located in shopping malls in order to work out.

— Jesse Zakshesky (@zaksheskyman) February 19, 2013

I was absolutely astounded. I literally counted 25 elders in all directions of me. Furthermore, many of these people were wearing Under Armour, sneakers, and wind breakers. These folks actually come to malls during the early morning hours to physically enhance their aging bodies. 

Work them glutes, ladies.

After my breakfast, I still had plenty of time to kill. I decided I had reached the point in my life in which it was time for me to experience mall walking.

It was truly a liberating experience.

The Last Ride

Today I told my team that this will be my last ride.” - Ray Lewis on January 2nd, 2013.

So much determination.

Ray Lewis is one of my favorite athletes of all time. The news of his retirement REALLY sucks for me. Instead of a feeble attempt on my part to articulate his amazing career with words, I recommend you instead watch the video embedded below. It does a FAR superior job of honoring this man's 17 years of greatness than I ever could.

Home Alone I & II: An in-depth analysis

With my Dad, I have been watching The Home Alone Series every holiday season since 1995. This means that I have seen these cinematic classics no less than 17 times each. 

I know my McCallisters, y'all.

This year, for no particular reason other than my own curiosity, I decided that I would attempt to document and analyze these beloved gems from my childhood. Listed below are a few quick thoughts:

• Uncle Frank is a self-centered, penny-pinching, monster of a human being. Subsequently, he's also my favorite character in these films. 
• Buzz: While his selfishness rivals that of his uncle, Buzz is a foul-mouthed bloat who severely lacks intelligence.
• Fuller: Not only does he possess a bed-wetting problem, he apparently embraces his plight and uses it to his advantage.
• I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when The Murphy's returned home from their Christmas vacation, only to find out that their basement was severely flooded by the McCallister kid from across the street.
• Riding in the back of a Budget moving van on a non-stop polka jam-fest from Scranton, Pennsylvania to Chicago, Illinois with the Kenosha Kickers would have been the time of my life.
• The woman at the grocery store does not understand personal boundaries when it comes to privacy issues.

The sheer amount of destruction that Kevin was able to dish out with household items is not only amazing, it's also completely unbelievable. Between both films, there is no chance whatsoever that these guys would have been able to physically survive the beating which they experienced. 

Pardon me for not noticing the spell-check underlines.This kid should have probably underwent years of therapy.

Felix Baumgartner: A Man Amongst Boys

via Wired.com:

Baumgartner expects to exceed the speed of sound – about 700 mph at that altitude – during a free fall that will last about five minutes, something no one has ever done. For all our knowledge about high-altitude flight and space travel, there’s still a lot we don’t know about what would happen if a pilot aborts a mission and ejects at the edge of the atmosphere. The air is so thin at such heights that it is easy to tumble out of control, a situation that can lead to unconsciousness and even death."

Felix Baumgartner, stepping into the void from 71,580 feet during a test jump in March. The Austrian adventurer plans a record-setting jump from 120,000 feet on Tuesday. 

Tuesday, October 9th, 2012: The world will realize just how huge Felix Baumgartner’s balls actually are.

— Jesse Zakshesky (@zaksheskyman) October 8, 2012

Update on Tuesday, October 9, 2012 at 9:28PM by Jesse Zakshesky

via The Washington Post:

1:58 p.m.: The live feed has cut out, following the “abort” call on Baumgartner’s flight due to gusty winds. An announcement posted to the Red Bull Stratos YouTube channel notes that the weather “may not be favourable for a launch [Wednesday].” So, we’ll be keeping an eye out for further updates. But for now, we, like Felix and his team, are shutting down the live blog for today."

Fret not, y'all. Soon, Felix Baumgartner's testicular fortitude will be on display once again.

Update on Sunday, October 14, 2012 at 11:12PM by Jesse Zakshesky

Sunday, October 14th, 2012: The world REALIZED just how huge Felix Baumgartner’s balls actually are.

— Jesse Zakshesky (@zaksheskyman) October 15, 2012